The Diary of Existing

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"I'm so scared that she won't come back... What if she stops being-"

"You have to trust that it will work, that it is better for her."

"I'm so scared..."

"She'll be safer there."

I always knew that there was something that was relatively disturbing about myself. But I was either choosing to ignore it or I was always in a state of blindness, constantly in the dark unaware of my words, my actions and even my thoughts. The idea that there is something wrong with me was like a birthright.

"Alex..."

According to the Catholic religion, everyone is born with the original sin. That of our ancestors Adam and Eve committed. We're born into a world utterly clueless of the future and yet, our scoreboard has been tainted by sin that we didn't even do yet. Sin we haven't even gotten the opportunity to commit, one that we don't even understand at less than a day old.

"Alex..."

To me, that is utter garbage. But maybe, maybe in a way it is the truth. Maybe there is a part of me that knows that there was always something wrong with me, just like how the Catholics believe that they are born with the original sin and they've accepted it, so they find themselves constantly repenting over these sins. They could literally live their lives free of sin or even the thought of it, but they'll forever be tainted with that of the original sin.

"Alex..."

But the vast difference between me and the Catholics is that unlike them, I refuse to believe there is something wrong with me.

"Alex, do you hear me?"

I look up, finding myself in what appeared to be deja vu.

I was lost in thought, and in front of me sat Dr. Arbour.

I was in her office. I'd been here for a week now, I think. I stopped keeping track of the days.

"Do you understand what I said? In regards to our little situation? It's an everyday session, not like before. And you are not permitted a roommate, for your sake at least." Dr. Arbour was speaking, and I could hear her words clearly but I didn't really give her much of my attention.

And so I found myself just nodding in response. But I could tell from her face that she knew I wasn't paying attention, that she knew I was just nodded just to satisfy her curiosity over whether or not I was listening. She began to writing something down, probably that I wasn't really paying attention.

"When is my mother going to come?" I asked. I don't remember when I last saw her.

Dr. Arbour was still writing, she was ignoring me. I hated that. I wanted an answer to my question.

"I asked a question." I said and Dr. Arbour stopped writing and looked up from her glasses that were hanging by the bridge of her nose. She looked back down on her notebook and began to write, she shook her head slightly and although she thinks I didn't see it, I did.

"Are you going to ignore me?" I said, raising my voice and this alerted her. She was inching her hand from what appeared to be a small little clicker button by the table next to her wingback chair, it was the button that would alert the orderlies if there was an emergency.

Would I cause an emergency?

"Why do you have your hand over that button?" I asked and Dr. Arbour pulled away slowly, her brows furrowed as she leaned slightly forward looking at me with full curiosity, like I was a specie that she was discovering for the very first time.