The Diary of Existing

FOUR

FOUR

After the heated argument in Dr. Arbour's office my mother and father were visiting me almost every day since. But I knew better than to expect that my mother wanted to visit me. I could tell she was just packing on the visits because of my father. But nonetheless, I actually enjoyed the visits. My father though, was in a slight disadvantage because Alice was present in every visit. But I tried to simply remember how she acted inside Dr. Arbour's office that day. And she seemed to try her best and stay quiet in the background. Ironically, me and Alice had the same situation when it came to parents. She too, was a child of divorce. She went to boarding school when she was younger and where I am isn't necessarily just a boarding school but it's the same in a way. It felt weird knowing that there was this person who I can relate to yet I disliked her still. At this point, I couldn't tell if it was loyalty to my mother.

"Alex, did you hear me?" My father had been babbling on ever since he'd arrive. Alice was sitting next to him smiling at me. Why is she smiling at me?

"Why are you smiling at me?"

Did I just voice out what I was thinking?

"Alex." Alice placed a hand over mine. All I did was stare at it. Her nails were done and I had to admit, that French tips suit her. The whiteness of the tip matched well with her matte maroon nails. "Me and your father were thinking that maybe you can come live with us in New York. You've always had a room there. Me and your father moved to a different apartment and we made sure there was a room specifically for you. You can even design it if you want." Alice said and I didn't think the idea was too bad. But I knew this was something my mother would never agree to. It sounded truly appealing. It was better than returning to California with my mother and being surrounded by people my age who hate me, and people my mother's age who don't understand me and who love to kiss my mother's ass. "Of course we'll talk about it with your mother." At the mention of the word I could hear the dragging it took to say it. But I knew better than to expect.

A smooth week went by. My mother usually came after my father did. My father came in the morning and my mother followed an hour after. Once she waited in the car and watched my father drive away before getting out. It was bad enough she had to see him on family sessions, she didn't need to see him again during her time with me. And of course, she would sit down with me and as I ate whatever she brought me she would start ranting about my father and Alice.

How dare she think she can come here?

Her hair was so dry, it looked irritating.

Your father is practically her grandfather.

It was several different things all the time but the topic was always the same. My father and Alice.

"Have you ever been to New York?" I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling while my roommate Fiona was in bed trying to take off some gunk from her toenails. "Yeah. Dirty and a lot of hobos." Fiona said and I sighed. "Sometimes even at the Upper East Side has some hobos." She added, as if it was information I needed at all. "So, you really are getting out of here are you?" Fiona asked and I nodded. "Lucky you then." She said unenthusiastically and got up from her bed. She grabbed one of her nail polishes and exited the room. I think she slammed the door. Maybe she was angry. Possibly because I was getting out and she was stuck here. She has been here longer. I never really tried to ask what was with her sessions or anything. She had freakouts from time to time, but it was nothing big. Usually over the shallow shit. Mostly done by Sarah.

Sarah.

I haven't seen her ever since. The room at the end of the hall has been quiet. And if I'm being honest, the place has been pretty peaceful. The only negative thing was the night terrors that Julia had and how it affected the other girls and stressed out the night nurses and orderlies but apart from that nothing. Everyone seemed... Fine. A strange kind of fine.