The Diary of Existing

FORTY EIGHT

FORTY EIGHT

I had spent my Monday just staring at the windows of the classrooms. It was raining, heavily. I felt extremely unfazed by the discussions in my classes. I just wasn't into any of them. And after my little impromptu meeting with Wesley's mom, Claire, everything has been smooth between me and him. Dare I say that I might just started to see him in a different light. I'm not saying that I like him the way he does, but that I'm just seeing him... Differently.

"You've been spaced out the entire day, is there anything you want to share with me?" Hannah said. It was lunchtime, Bailey and Jacqueline had volunteered their lunch break to helping out the younger class in their preparation for a little stage play.

I simply locked eyes with a patiently waiting Hannah. She wasn't blinking at all. She was waiting for words to come out of my mouth. My thoughts were purely occupied with Wesley. They were thoughts that still had me puzzled, ones that I'm still trying to go over to see what they really are. I tried to weigh the outcomes of telling Hannah.

If I told her, maybe she could help me out. Hannah has always been a very logical person, something she claims that she receives from her dad. She might be able to give me some sound advice, some critical thinking rather than simply deciding on my emotions based on how I feel. But if I tell her what I'm thinking about, this early on, she might persuade me from what she ultimately be my final thoughts on Wesley.

But honestly, fuck it.

"Wesley." I simply said and a grin smeared across Hannah's face. She put her fork down and pushed her tray to the side, her elbows propped on the table and her hands cradling her face. She looked like a 12 year old about to listen to her friend talk about a boy for the very first time.

In hindsight, the age must only be the difference in this scenario.

"I met his mom, just last Saturday." I said and Hannah leaned forward some more, awaiting for more details.

"We just talked. She was nice, really beautiful honestly. And I just kept thinking about Wesley today. I don't know what it is. I mean, yesterday I wasn't thinking of him at all, but then again I was on a solo session because my mo-" I stopped myself midway. I looked up at Hannah who had an unchanged expression.

"Well? What happened? And what solo session are you talking about?" Hannah asked, but it seemed like she was more interested in the details about Wesley. Maybe I could weasel out and try not to let her think about the session part.

"Nothing. I just, I can't stop thinking about him. And it's not because I'm starting to like him that way, I just can't stop thinking about him." I said and Hannah nodded her head. Did it work?

"Alex, didn't you tell me that you've never had a boyfriend before?" Hannah asked. I guess the diversion did work.

"Yeah, why?" I said and asked back.

"Just so you know, thinking about a guy who is courting you to become your boyfriend might just mean that you are starting to like him." Hannah said. And I did try thinking that maybe I was beginning to like him, but I honestly couldn't tell. I had no prior experiences to this, and my emotions aren't something I could trust, after all, I'm still seeing a psychiatrist. Who not only happens to be his godmother but also tells me that I tend to distract myself from my own issues.

"I don't think so." I denied and Hannah rolled her eyes.

"Deny all you want, but you're beginning to like him. And it isn't that bad. Wesley's a good guy, just ask Jacqueline." Ah, and don't I know it.

My last class was shifted into study period. We were told we could spend it here in the computer lab, or take a blue slip and head to the library. The blue slip basically had our name, student number, class and the words STUDY PERIOD written in bold capitalized text. I didn't feel like walking all the way there, so I just decided to sit in front of the computer, staring at it completely preoccupied with thoughts of Wesley.