The Diary of Existing

SIXTY ONE

SIXTY ONE

The days were passing but I still found myself completely unaware of what day it was, or what date it was even. I began to have a routine. Wake up, eat, shower, stare at the wall, session, eat, get sent back into my room, stare at the wall, eat, stare at the wall, medication and then sleep. It was an endless cycle. That was my weekend session. On weekdays, my staring at the wall moments were reduced because they were replaced with classes.

I was placed in the same class as all the other girls who were put in isolation. I was somewhat of an exception, because I wasn't technically in a room full of padding. I was just in a regular room. But I wasn't permitted a roommate or visitors. I was cut off from having time in the common area, or any other activity that involved the other girls. I didn't question it, I didn't bring it up to Dr. Arbour at all.

Because I knew the answer.

What I didn't know was when I was going to receive a visit from my mother.

I may not know what date it was, but I had a sense of the fact that it had been months now. It had been too long. I was beginning to forget everything else.

When I got here, my phone was taken away. I never got to send a text or email any of the people back in England. None of them knew I was here, or maybe they did. I don't know. I don't know what's happening to Morgan, Jacqueline or any of the girls. I don't know if Henry and Wesley were still wondering where I had disappeared to. I don't know if Headmistress Edwards decided to tell Jacqueline about my situation. Did Headmistress Edwards know too?

She had to have known...

"Alex, you've got a visitor." The orderly spoke in such a happy tone. Like it was the most exciting thing to happen to me.

He began to unlock the door and I stood up as he came in. He held me by my arm again, it was protocol for the orderlies to do it, because it was a safety precaution. I was now labeled as a danger to all the girls, ever since my incident on the first day. I heard the nurses talking about how surprising it was and how it was about time that I broke that way. I would hear the lies the nurses made when they said that they always knew I was going to come back or that they sensed that I was disturbed.

A bunch of gossips who didn't have the brain capacity to become psychiatrists, and so they settled as assistants to the real doctors.

Trash.

That is what they were.

They were never really any different to us girls. They looked down on us, specifically Nurse Gwyneth. Who found the girls disgusting and hated dealing with us. But she aged in this job and just never found herself something exciting. And so she settled, and deals with us. But she hates us. I would imagine her fantasies involved killing all of us girls.

It wouldn't be far fetched.

"Hello Alex." I saw my mother, standing next to the table. Her hair was a bit longer than I remember. She had a smile on, but it wasn't genuine. It was like the smiles she used to give me when she first began visiting me.

Once again, it was like deja vu.

We sat down, and there was awkward silence between us. I would stare at her while she averted her gaze elsewhere, observing the room and the girls who were being visited by others. I would see her stoic face, one she put it as she desperately tried to make sure that she wouldn't be looking at me.

We just sat there in silence, and it was the most painful one.

But she began to push me with small talk. Began to ask me how I was but I refused to join in the conversation that she was now beginning to have with herself. My mother was the way she was before, distant, talking to herself and about herself more than talking to me. She brought me the same pack of sweets that I disliked, the usual ones she would give that the nurses would later on take away claiming it was a not permitted, only so they could enjoy it amongst themselves.