The Diary of Existing

FORTY SIX

FORTY SIX

"Yes. Would you tell him to stay away from me?" I asked, my tone serious. Almost challenging really. I wanted to know if Dr. Palmer would let down her profession by telling me to stay away from Wesley, even if he does not have any sort of negative effect on me. If anything, he's been kind. Annoyingly stuck to me, but kind. And I would definitely love to see how Dr. Palmer deals with that.

"No, I won't." Dr. Palmer said and I tried to hide my surprise. I simply nodded my head.

"He's really nice. And he cares about me." I said and Dr. Palmer had a smile on her face, almost like a prideful one.

"That boy is truly a kind soul. He takes after his mom. They're both really nice people. And I'm glad you've met him. Do you plan on telling him about this?" Dr. Palmer asked the very question I have been asking myself from the very beginning.

Whether I had plans to tell Wesley about my issues, my mother, the therapy sessions and my past in the institute? I honestly am unsure, still stuck in limbo debating about it. But it did seem ideal to tell him. I wasn't afraid that Wesley might judge me or think differently of me, it was more of whether or not I would see him differently.

If I told Wesley everything, possibly more than what Henry knows, how will I feel about him then? Will it change my perspective of him? Will I tread more lightly than I already do? Will I want to still be around him knowing that his mind could be thinking about whether or not I was going to breakdown and cry? And the one I dread the most, will that be the reason for me to actually like him enough to be with him?

If it meant the last one, I didn't want to tell him. I'd rather not. I didn't want my first relationship to be with a man who I fell in love with because he became more caring or sweet to me after discovering I was a delicate flower. I didn't want to start a relationship with the idea that this person feels sympathy or empathy for me. Because that meant he wouldn't see me, he'd see who everyone else sees. He'd see who Dr. Palmer greets every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. That girl, that girl who I believe is not me at all.

"Alex?" Dr. Palmer called my attention, I didn't even realize I was spacing out that long. I sighed and fixed my position on the chaise lounge. Sitting up straight like I was sitting on a stiff chair.

"No. I'm not ready yet." I said and I just put up a fake smile. Dr. Palmer nodded and she proceeded to relax her body, as if getting ready for today's session. She pulled out her notebook and grabbed a pen, ready to start.

"I don't want Dr. Arbour meddling with my sessions." I said and Dr. Palmer sighed. Shutting the notebook once again. She gets up from her white swivel chair and approaches me, taking one of the cold metallic chairs on the side and placing it in front of me, and despite how uncomfortable it looked, she looked pretty comfy.

"Alex, I've explained this to you already. I want to ask you something, and I don't want you thinking too hard about it, but do you want to get better?" Dr. Palmer asked, her eyes fixated with concern as she looked directly at mine. She didn't look elsewhere, she blinked a couple of times, but her focus was fully on me.

"I hate asking this question too. I hate the sound of it, because it makes it sound as if you're far from normal. But it is a necessary evil Alex. From where I'm standing, it seems as if you're still hostile. Like you still don't want to move past everything. You're going backwards, and I called Dr. Arbour because I wanted to understand if it was a fault on my end, or if it really was yours. Because I really want to help you, I don't just want you to walk out this door one day feeling the greatest, then never come back with me wondering if you truly are okay." Dr. Palmer explained, and I understood where she was coming from.