The Diary of Existing

THREE

THREE

The entire week I saw my father, more than I usually did. It came to the point that I honestly felt sick of seeing him. Not in a bad way... I think... It was just too much, something I was clearly not used to experiencing. I guess you can say there was something fun about not being able to see him all the time that allowed me to really appreciate him. Although despite all of this, nothing has changed. I still love him the same. I guess, I'd prefer loving my dad in a different state. But I saw the effort he placed in when it concerned me. He really clocked in on the sessions with Dr. Arbour, and it made me wonder if he really did it for me or if he was doing it to spite my mother? I think my mother's whispers were beginning to cloud my judgements.

"Your dad seems to be here a lot." Fiona said, she was on her bed painting her nails. It was a Saturday and the rest of the girls went to town looking for party decorations for Julia's birthday. She wanted a Hawaiian themed party and all the supply closet had was a bunch of pink streamers and baby blue banners, it made it seem like someone was having a baby shower. "I've been here long enough to know that if someone's parents were that concerned, it can only go two ways." Fiona tried to sound as mysterious as she could get. She tucked away the nail polish she was using in her dresser and sat on the foot of my bed. I have a thing about space, and she's breaking it. One of the reasons I loved her as a roommate was because she herself had boundary issues. "Your father is either truly concerned about you and that means you aren't going to be leaving this place any time soon." The sound of that just pierced through my ears. The idea of not being able to live this place is sickening. Maddening even. To be stuck here like the other girls.

"Or it means you're getting better and will get out in a few days." Fiona's grinned from cheek to cheek. I gave her a faint smile. I wasn't actually sure which of what she said could be true. I know my father is concerned, but with the way my mother speaks to Dr. Arbour it feels as if there is a possibility that Dr. Arbour will keep me here. After all, with how much she's paying this place, one student without a backup is a huge loss for the institute.

What Fiona told me resonated with me the entire day. I sat by the bench that overlooked the front entrance of the institution. I saw the gates one and a group of girls walking in. I could hear their voices from where I was, and it got louder and louder. The nurses that accompanied them were too busy to even notice me. A couple of the girls didn't even see me. But Julia locked eyes with me. She had a huge smile on her face as she ran towards me. "I'm having a party tonight and all the girls are invited." She sounded like a child that received a gift. She inched closer, and I felt uncomfortable and found myself moving an inch back. She didn't even notice. "But later on, Sarah and a few of the other girls are going to go back to my room for a drink." Julia whispered, but her giddiness made it loud enough. As she said Sarah's name I looked up towards the front door of our wing and saw Sarah standing there, her arms crossed.

"Thanks for the after party invite but I think I'm sleeping in early today. I don't even know if I'll make it to your party at the common room." I stood up and headed back inside, leaving Julia practically heartbroken that one less person was at her party. "Jeez, you don't have to be such a bitch. Go to the kid's party." Sarah commented and I simply ignored her and entered the building. I made my way to the library to check out some of the books. In one of the corners, two girls were making out, in the other, they were having sex. I pulled out a Bukowski book and turned it to the back to read. I bumped into the stench of cigars and weed.

Sarah.

"What?" I said, sounding completely annoyed. She was getting on my nerves. The stench that came with her just lingers around you. It's like two fingers forcibly shoved up your nose that it goes from annoying to painful in seconds. And it didn't help that she had a ridiculous smug looking face even when she probably didn't mean to have a face on. But it was just her as a human being. If she even was one.