The Diary of Existing

FIFTY EIGHT

FIFTY EIGHT

I beyond being a mess. It felt like there was just nowhere else to go. There was no direction. They've stopped building the path for me to walk on. It was all just water now. I was an island, standing there surrounded by water. One misstep, and I would fall and drown, unable to swim up. The water just grabbing onto my ankles and dragging me down further into the darkness of the ocean.

It had been days. Better yet, weeks, since I was last seen by anyone other than my mother and Amanda. Not even Dr. Palmer has been able to reach me. I would hear my mother getting into a fight on the phone with Dr. Palmer, arguing over what was best for me. I couldn't hear what Dr. Palmer was saying on the other line, but I could only assume it went along the lines of trying to get me to come into a session, or worse, putting me back into the institution under the guise of Dr. Arbour.

But my mother was persistent on the phone.

No! She's safe where she is and she's okay right now. I don't want to further destroy that. Let's just let her be, isn't that what's best?

To others it would seem as if this wasn't good for me. That this was going to destroy me further. But is there anything beyond what I already am? Before being in here, being being safe I was already broken. Here no one can hurt me. Right?

"Alex?" Amanda knocked on the door and I looked up from my notebook. I had started writing again. After a week of being at home, I began to write again, something I've ignored to do for ages. I looked at the last word I had written, which was more of a question.

"You've got visitors." Amanda said and I felt my whole body become alert at the sound of the word visitors. I tried to rack my brain with which of them it was.

Wesley had continuously tried to contact me. He had left numerous text messages, missed calls and voice messages. But I ignored them all. I didn't even bother to give a listen to any of them or read them. I just immediately deleted them. I felt bad too, since he gave me this phone. And it felt so wrong of me to just get up and ignore Wesley like that. Like he didn't matter at all. But it was better for him to just forget me.

I then thought of Morgan. And suddenly I felt like my entire room turn dark. There was just fear creeping in at the thought of Morgan. And if it really was her, I don't know what I would say or do.

But my fears faded when a familiar face appeared before me.

Jacqueline.

"Hello stranger." She said as she approached me and stood in front of me. Amanda closed the door silently and me and Jacqueline just stared at each other for a while.

She looked away and began to walk around my room, snooping a bit to see what was happening around my room. She would pick up a few knick knacks that were decorated and look at them, then setting them back down.

"May I sit?" Jacqueline asked as she pointed at my bed. I nodded my head and she plopped down, and took a feel of the bed.

"Ah, I see." She said, leaving me confused.

"You haven't returned because your bed here is softer than the one at Queen Mary's." She said, stating an obvious joke. She giggled at it and I flashed a smile, one I haven't had in quite a while now. But when that was over and done with, we fell silent once again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jacqueline asked and I sighed. I looked at her, trying to search for words to say. I was still processing the fact that she was even here. I haven't seen her in such a long time that it felt really strange seeing her in my room now. And I didn't even have the proper words to say to her.