The Diary of Existing

THIRTY ONE

THIRTY ONE

Sunday had arrived and I still wasn't sure if I was going to be seeing my mother at my session today. All I knew was that yesterday's session with Dr. Palmer had taken every bit of energy I had left. I was just glad it was a weekend still, and there wasn't much to do. I had to talk to a couple of my teachers in regards to the extra workload I took. The adrenaline has faded, and now I'm just a slump on the wall.

I sat outside of Dr. Palmer's office, my eyes were tired. I was tired. Her assistant would constantly look at me. I'd give her a glare just to scare her. And it would work. A few more minutes gone by and finally Dr. Palmer came through the door. She told me to follow her and I did. I watched as she took her coat off, placed it on her chair, and she settled her bag and notebook on her desk. I sat on her chaise lounge, well, more like laid down.

"You look tired. Did you get any sleep at all? Are you sick, Alex?" Dr. Palmer asked as she strolled her swivel chair from her desk to a few feet away from where I sat laying.

"I don't know." was all I said. I noticed that my mother wasn't here. It wasn't that hard, since no one was busy talking about herself.

"Your mother said she'd be a bit late. So we could start before she comes. Or would you prefer waiting?" Dr. Palmer asked and all I did was shrug my shoulders.

I haven't heard from my mother since the last time we saw each other. I didn't even know she was back in England. I haven't received a call nor a text from her. Amanda had called me yesterday, hours after my session with Dr. Palmer, but she tried to stay away from the topic of my mother, even when I had asked her about her.

Was my mother avoiding me?

Why?

Me and Dr. Palmer spent 30 minutes in her office, in pure silence. We were waiting for my mother. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if she had not made it at all.

"So, how have your classes been?" Dr. Palmer asked, and I looked at her confused. And just then, the door had opened. Lo and behold, my mother steps in and she looked unfazed by the fact that she was late. She sat down on the couch that was closer to where Dr. Palmer's swivel chair was, but was significantly farther from me.

"I'm sorry for being late. English men can't seem to let a woman like me win at arguments." she said, rolling her eyes and going through her bag and retrieving her phone. She went through it quickly before dumping it back on her bag. I noticed it was new, it was significantly cleaner than any of her other bags. Maybe it was her Christmas gift to herself. I've never seen it before.

"Alex and I were just sitting in silence. I think she was meditating." Dr. Palmer said. Me? Meditating? Was I?

My mother simply looked at me. She did not even bother to acknowledge me. She looked and then diverted her eyes back to Dr. Palmer. It was as if I didn't exist. And that bothered me. I sat up from the chaise lounge and stared at her, my brows furrowed. I knew that she could feel me staring, and all I was doing was waiting for her to acknowledge me. To even criticize me, say I look tired, that I looked stressed or that I should look more presentable.

Anything will do.

"How was your holidays?" My mother spoke directly to Dr. Palmer. Dr. Palmer looked at her, at me, then back at her. Her face was confused, just as I was. She was showing a bit of uncomfortable with her expression, which she so desperately tried to hide.

"It was alright. I was going to ask Alex the same thing." Dr. Palmer said, quick to try and get the conversation to go to me. To try to get my own mother to look at me. I saw my mother's eyes look to the side, but her body, her head, they didn't bother to turn.