The Diary of Existing

THIRTY FOUR

THIRTY FOUR

It was a Saturday once again.

When I woke up this morning, I stared at the ceiling, dreading the Saturday. Not because of my session with Dr. Palmer, but because tomorrow was Sunday. Which meant I had to guess whether or not my mother was coming to the session or not. And the idea of it was giving my anxiety a run for its money, and I could already feel it crawling up from my chest to my esophagus, as if I wanted to vomit.

If it wasn't for Jacqueline, I'd probably still just be stuck in bed. She told me that she was excited for today, because her parents and her grandmother were going to come over to the campus, and they were all going to head for the beach. She actually asked me if I wanted to go and I told her I already had plans. She left two hours before me.

I walked out the gates of school grounds, sat on the bench by the outside and waited for the town car to arrive, to take me to my session today. I sat there thinking about what I was going to talk to Dr. Palmer about today. I wondered where the discussion of today was going to lead to, and I wasn't excited.

And there it was once again, my breath slowly fading as my anxiety began to rise. I held onto the strap of my bag, tight. I stared out at the view in front of me, it was a beautiful one but it wasn't helping me. Especially with the clouds not as bright as they should be. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else but nothing was happening, until I remembered that notebook.

I pulled out Henry's notebook and opened up to a random page.

I saw a really beautiful girl today. I didn't know her name. I just saw her by the museum. She was staring at one of the amateur artworks being shown that day. She herself looked like she was made of art. It was as if she had existed in this world to be a living breathing piece of art that God created for everyone to either envy or be in awe of. She was beautiful, more than any of the models you see on TV. I wanted to approach her, let her know I existed but I didn't really know what to say to a stranger. I myself found it creepy that I was watching as she was viewing the paintings. I had to snap out of it, but her beauty made me think about why the wretched existed as well. Even something or someone as beautiful as her can exist in this world, was the ugly things a way of balancing humanity? To keep us grounded?

"Hello stranger." I looked up from the notebook and saw Henry standing there. He was smiling at me, probably because he sees me reading his notebook. I close it and tuck it away.

"Don't stop because of me." Henry said as he sat down and I shook my head.

"No, I was just reading a page because I was feeling a bit... You know..." I said and Henry nodded his head as if letting me know he understands. Does he?

"What are you doing out here?" He asked and I almost forgot why I was out here. Where was the town car? I grabbed my phone and looked for any notifications, and there was one message from Amanda.

"I have a session today, I'm waiting for the town car." I said as I pressed on Amanda's message.

I can't take you to your session today. Ms. Rose has me working around the clock. Ms. Alex, would you like me to ask the school to make arrangements for you? Please let me know as soon as possible.

Ms. Alex? Was this because of what I said yesterday? Isn't it a little petty for her to act like that? I get that I was a little bit out of bounds yesterday but compared to me she's the adult. Shouldn't she be acting more mature? Understand me a bit more?

"What's wrong?" Henry asked and I looked up at him.

"No, it's just- My ride cancelled on me." I said and before I could even say anything, Henry spoke.