The Diary of Existing

SIXTY THREE

SIXTY THREE

This is what I deserved.

All of this was.

I laid in my bed, alone. With one window that shed light into my room, it wasn't enough to make me feel like I was alive. I barely ate, I barely talked to anyone. Nurse Trixie, bless her soul, had tried her best to try and get me to interact with any of the girls. But I refused.

I felt like I didn't deserve to talk to any of these girls. I felt like I didn't deserve to find a shred of peace.

I had successfully pushed away the people that have tried or pretended to care.

And it took me months to realize that.

After Wesley, no one had come back. Jacqueline had attempts with phone calls, but I refused every single one of them. She had sent me handwritten letters, and they all remained stacked up and aging on my dresser.

My mother... I never bothered to even try and contact her. I knew that the last time we saw each other, when her hand was on my face I knew what that had meant. The look in her eyes were enough to tell me that she had lost me forever, that she no longer could see a glimpse of her daughter, that despite the efforts and what could have been a decent mother-daughter relationship, it was just gone.

My father on the other hand, I had never heard from him again. And it pained me to realize that deep inside I had hoped he would be there for me, that he would find a way to take me away from this place that entrapped me with the idea that I wasn't going to be better.

But it took a moment for me to realize that these people, it wasn't just me pushing me away... It was that they saw it too...

They saw what I saw.

They saw the broken one, the damaged girl that I've seen but chose to ignore. The girl who I saw in the mirror everyday, and despite how desperate she yelled I ignored her. The same way everyone else had, the same way that everyone refused to understand or try to see.

My sessions with Dr. Arbour were not even close to progression. The months that had past, all of them were pure silence. I had barely opened my mouth at this open. And Dr. Arbour herself seemed to have given up. She no longer tried to get me to talk. All she did was ask me how I was then proceed to the next question, and to the next when that wasn't answered.

It was as if I was as hopeless as everyone.

I would see the look on Sarah's face everyday, and it was a smug one that had welcomed me. Telling me that finally, I had arrived. Meanwhile Julia had the same expression as Nurse Trixie, one of sympathy, someone who had felt so bad for me.

Julia, the pyromaniac, of all people. Someone as twisted and actually damaged as her felt pity for me. The girl who was abandoned. But everyone else saw it as me pushing them away, but deep inside I knew it wasn't just that, that it was beyond that.

"Alex?" I heard the soft sweet voice of Nurse Trixie echo through the silence that engulfed my room. I didn't bother to respond. I laid in bed, just staring at the wall while contemplating my existence.

"You have a visitor..." Nurse Trixie said, and I heard footsteps approach.

I slowly get up, assuming it was the orderly, only to see it was Fiona.

She and I exchanged looks. She understood the shock in my face when I saw her standing before me. It was confusing, I never even had that much of a decent relationship with Fiona. We were never close, all we were was roommates. We never truly bonded over anything.

"Hi." She said and I couldn't even get myself to say hi. She turned to Nurse Trixie and nodded her head at her, as if to send her a message.

Nurse Trixie closed the door, and Fiona looked around and spotted one of the chairs by the desk. She dragged it across the floor and set it in front of me. She dropped her expensive little purse to the ground, crossed her legs and arms.