The Diary of Existing

THIRTY SIX

THIRTY SIX

I debated whether I was going to answer the call or not. I waited too long and before I could answer it the call ended. I waited a few seconds for it to start ringing again, hoping that my mother would pester me but nothing, my phone just stayed silent. I felt a bit annoyed at not just her but myself as well, for being too stubborn or proud to even answer the damn phone call.

Alex, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I went through my call log and pressed on my mother's name. It took a few seconds before the ringing started, and I felt impatient as soon as I heard the ringing. I found myself counting them.

One

Two

Three

Four

I kept counting how many times it rang and the larger the number grew the more I grew impatient. I wanted to just hang up but then as I was about to I heard a faint hello and noticed the phone call had been answered.

"Hello?" I answered and I heard my mother's sigh from the other line.

"I was trying to call you to say I might not make it on the session tomorrow. I'm going back to Switzerland for a few days. I've called Dr. Palmer. If you need anything just tell Amanda." She said then hung up.

I stood there like an idiot, as if I was waiting for her to say anything but all I heard was the dial tone. I felt my anger rising. She just hung up on me, and that was all she had to say. She's going to Switzerland again.

I didn't really understand why I was feeling angry. I didn't understand why I even cared. I'd usually rejoice at the idea that my mother wasn't going to be around to talk about herself during my therapy session. I hated her, and yet here I was feeling angry that she hasn't been pestering me, or that she won't be around for a while. I didn't know what it was exactly, but I just felt angry.

I felt so angry that I found myself throwing my phone across the wall. I didn't even bother to look at whether or not it was okay. It hit the beige wall, left a tiny mark and fell onto my hamper. I changed my clothes and just hopped in bed. It was pretty difficult trying to fall asleep angry.

The following morning I found myself waking up extra early. I got up and changed before heading down. I grabbed Henry's notebook with me and went to the garden. I was still feeling angry. It was like I had someone poking me by my chest continuously and it was driving me insane just feeling it. I needed to calm down, and I thought something in Henry's notebook would calm me down.

My mom had allowed me to sit in one of the surgeries she was taking part in. A woman was getting liposuction. I asked my mom why she was getting liposuction, and my mom answered by saying that the woman was trying to be healthy. When it was over, my motm and the rest of the doctors who were in the surgery room had visited her, asked her general questions and left. I stayed behind and looked at her. She smiled at me and asked my name. But instead I asked her why she had liposuction when she wasn't even fat. She told me that she was, that she was fat because her husband told her she was. She said she found out her husband was cheating on her with her sister, who was his secretary. It was sick and twisted. But she had a smile on her face, and she kept telling me how excited she was to get breast implants, get her butt done and have botox. IT WAS INSANE! This woman was pushing her body to its limits. I know its her body, that she has her say and that she can do whatever, but it was just sad to know that there is a woman in this world, who was made insecure by her own husband, that it resulted into her trying to mutilate her body into perfection. It wasn't even for her, it was for a piece of shit that cheated on her with her sister. She was existing in this world just to look beautiful for her husband. It was sickening to say the least.