The Diary of Existing

FORTY SEVEN

FORTY SEVEN

"Do you think that I could ever go back to the institution?" I found myself asking Dr. Palmer, and she looked at me, alarmed.

"Why? Do you think you need to back?" Dr. Palmer asked and I vigorously shook my head.

"I don't mean be sent back what I mean is like... Visit or something..." I said as I tried to not look at her eyes and just play with my fingers. Like I was a child put on the spot for doing something utterly wrong. Dr. Palmer sighed and cleared her throat.

I guess visiting isn't a good idea.

"Is there anyone in particular you want to visit at the institution?" Dr. Palmer said and I wasn't sure what she was implying, but she was implying something.

"It's not Dr. Arbour if that's what you mean. As I've said, I don't like her. I was thinking of just visiting, see the girls, talk to them maybe. Ask them how they've been. I don't have contact with any of them." I said, lying. I mean, I did call for Sarah. But I didn't want to admit that, and I didn't know if it would affect the way they view me if I did.

"It wouldn't be a good idea Alex. There's a lot of heavy negative thoughts that was left behind, the mere fact that you find a distaste for Dr. Arbour can be appropriate proof of it." Dr. Palmer said and I sighed.

I really did want to visit the girls. I wanted to see if they were doing okay, really check to see if any of them even got out after. I was genuinely curious about Fiona, was she out? Was she back in New York with her parents? Has Julia been sent back to her mother? Is Sarah still causing so much trouble back there? I wanted to know. Has there even been changes there?

"Alex, if you do plan to visit just know that you'll have to notify me and I have to notify Dr. Arbour. Even if you don't like her and she is no longer your psychiatrist, every single girl there is hers." Dr. Palmer clarified and I just nodded my head.

"Do you ever hear about any of the girls from the institution?" I asked Dr. Palmer, wondering if still had strong contacts and information about the institution, it was her namesake too, but to my disappointment she shook her head.

"No, none of the girls are my priority. They're all Dr. Arbour's." Dr. Palmer said. Made me think of a new question actually.

"Why'd you leave the institution?" I asked, it was something I never really knew. She left the institution, it wasn't like there wasn't enough girls to go around for her and Dr. Arbour.

"I just wanted to start my own practice. I didn't want to carry the burden of my last name considering what my family has built. I ended up studying the same thing my ancestors did and I thought I was changing something when I left for a private practice but, that hasn't really done much for me in terms of trying to branch out from my family tree." Dr. Palmer said.

"Do you hate your family?" I asked and Dr. Palmer shook her head.

"Alex, this session is about you not me. So let's talk about you." Dr. Palmer said, gesturing towards me. I would talk about rainbows, My Little Pony or even Teletubbies just as long as it wasn't about me. I wasn't a topic I found appealing, and this is me we're talking about.

I just smiled at her and tried to spend the rest of the session trying not to talk about me. But Dr. Palmer would catch on and try to divert the conversation back to me, to which I'd challenge it and try to connect that with something else. Basically spending my time trying to cut the topic of me away. I talked about everything and anything, I even asked about Wesley. Random stuff really.

"You've managed to change this entire session. We barely talked about you Alex." Dr. Palmer said as she got up and was about to get ready for another client.