The Diary of Existing

FIFTY NINE

FIFTY NINE

I laid in bed the entire day, trying not to interact with anyone in the house, especially my mother. After our little conversation yesterday, I refused to leave my room. She had Amanda bring me my food. And Amanda of course, would try to make conversation but I'd stay silent. I didn't feel like I deserved to talk to anyone, and every time I did it always ended in something painful. Something I don't want to happen.

And so this is where I am, lying in bed alone with my thoughts. I'd sometimes glance over the table, to my open notebook on an empty page. I've been refusing to write as well. Before leaving the institution I had already given up hope to even write. My thoughts then were that maybe it wasn't for me. Maybe I just couldn't put pain into words. I couldn't handle it in real life anyway.

There was just too much going on in my head now, that these were just going to have to be trivial matters that I need to just push aside. It took awhile for me to even realize that the sun was out. The darkness engulfed my room and all I had as light was the moon and the streetlights outside the house.

Alone in my thoughts, I heard familiar voices from the hallway. They sounded like murmurs. Words I couldn't decipher no matter how hard I tried to listen. The words were muffled by the walls, but the walls had echoed the sound throughout the house. I stared at the light from under my door, it was the light in the hallway. And I spotted feet, covering the access for light under my door. It irritated me a bit seeing that. I wanted to tell them to move.

The door then opens, and Amanda pops her head through with a smile. I just stare at her as she waits for me to possibly greet her or welcome her in. But I stay quiet, and her smile fades. She opens the door wider and behind her is not just my mother, but Dr. Palmer.

I slowly sit up and the two behind approach me, Amanda stays by the door just watching.

"Alex, Dr. Palmer is here. I thought you two needed to talk." My mother proclaimed and her eyes refused to meet mine. I kept staring at her, ignoring Dr. Palmer practically screaming through that I wanted her to look at me but she refused.

"I'll take it from here..." Dr. Palmer whispered to my mother who nodded in return and exited the room with Amanda closing the door behind her.

Dr. Palmer and I stood in the darkness of my room.

"May I open the lights Alex? It's too dark." she said as she approached the light switch, not waiting for my reply. As she flicks the lights on I don't even react to how painful the flashing brightness of the lights were on my eyes. Dr. Palmer grabs a swivel chair, the one on my desk. And I could see her peeking through my notebook before moving the chair near me.

"I've been talking to your mother these past few days. We've been having a hard time trying to get into a compromise. Your mother wants what's best for you and in order to do that, we have to do it in a way that keeps you healthy." Dr. Palmer began, and I just sat there and waited to see what she had to say to me.

"She tells me that you refuse to leave Queen Mary's. She claims that you had told her previously that you wanted to leave, and all of a sudden you refused. Why is that?" Dr. Palmer asked and I had a feeling this was going to be the topic of conversation.

"Did my mother ask you to come?" I asked and Dr. Palmer nodded immediately.

"I've been wanting to have a conversation with you but you're mother has been refusing until last night. And so here I am." Dr. Palmer said and clasped her hands together as she looked at me. I swallowed the lump on my throat and my eyes fixated on her hands.

\

"Please, answer my question Alex." She said, flashing a small little smile. I began to bite my lower lip, refusing to really talk. Something she instantly picked up.