Bechloe - Still In The Dark

Chapter XLI

"Beca,"

"Dad,"

The man grinned at his daughter, still struggling to believe that she was actually situated in front of him. He was so happy he got tears in his eyes but he didn't cry.

"Beca..." He smiled as he repeated her name. "My Beca,"

"No," Beca shook her head. "I'm not your Beca."

The man's smile dropped as his eyes looked at his cuffed hands. It hurt when she said that but he understood and nodded.

"I'm sorry,"

"No," Beca stopped him again. "Don't,"

"I am, Beca. I truly am." He looked up at his daughter again and saw that Beca now had tears in her eyes. "I can't tell you how sorry I am."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"No, but you're here so that says something."

"I suppose." Beca blinked back her unwanted tears.

"Beca, I just want to say,"

"No, Seth," Beca snapped. "You don't get to say anything to me. Do you have any idea what you put me though?"

The man didn't answer - he just let Beca speak.

"You have no idea what you did to me, physically and emotionally. You broke my bones when you hit me, you cut my skin open when you threw your bottles at me, you gave me bruises when you used to pinch me and grab me, and you used to make me wet myself every time you yelled at me. You made me watch you beat my mother. You used to make me watch you abuse her and use her as an example. You used to yell and me and blame me for everything. You told me that you hated me and that the world would be better off without me. You used to threaten me - to beat me and kill me. You were a monster."

A tear finally fell down Beca's cheek and Katherine wiped hers away before anyone could see.

"You stole my childhood from me. You made me feel like I was worthless and no good. You made me hate myself. You made me hate being touched. You made me shut everyone I ever met out. You made me push people away because I was scared of getting hurt. You took away my need to love and be loved. I didn't know what it was. You stole everything from me and you say you're sorry? That's not good enough."

Seth nodded. "I know... I know it's not. Words can't fix what I did. Nothing can. It happened and I can't tell you how much I regret it. I can't tell you how many times I sat down and thought about writing you a letter. I wanted to but I was afraid that you wouldn't even read it. I was afraid that you hated me and wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, and I didn't blame you - I still don't. I wrote so many letters but nothing felt right... I eventually got it though and sent it to you. I wasn't expecting you to read it. I wasn't expecting your mother to give it to you at all, but she did and... I have no words to describe how grateful I am that she did that."

Beca let her tears roll down her cheeks. She wasn't overly upset, she was just releasing years and years of pent-up emotions and it was going to take a while for it to disappear.

"Beca, you have no idea how much I hate myself for what I did. There were times where I felt like my life wasn't worth living. What possible purpose would I have now that I've lost everything I ever loved? The two people that I love the most didn't want anything to do with me anymore and that crushed me. My reason for living was no longer there and that was hard to accept. But then I decided to go to the support groups that we have here and I learned to deal with my guilt, face it, and accept it. I accepted a lot of things about myself that I didn't even know existed. It was hard but I'm glad that I did it.