Hidden Truths - Ethan

48 - Sweet Tragedy

I try to breathe flat and think hard to not show Tristan that I have absolutely no clue why Lyall could know that name. What did I do? Pieces of memories, but I can't separate the reality from my nightmares. "I can't get rid of the feeling that this woman still means something to you.", he says softly before coming closer and laying down his hands once more on my shoulders this night.

"I also can't get rid of the feeling that there is something you should tell me, but I won't force it. It's your decision to trust me. Until then I will have to live with what Lyall and Étain told me. The only thing I want you to know is that you can't have it all. I know that I want you by my side and I know that contrary to what you just said: You make me strong. The nights and days without you were... hard.", he murmurs.

"If you think, that I will suffer when you are with me, please do also weigh in how much I suffer when you are not with me. I'm also just a man, Ethan. Your rejections start to hurt more and more.", his voice more of a breeze and nearly not hearable due to the rain. His words are so pure that I hardly can say anything against them.

"If their real goal is to see me suffer, they are about to succeed.", I reply silently before moving my hand up to cover my face. "Gwendolyn was...", I shake my head. "I... She taught me what it means to love and lose.", I lower my hand again. "My son... he died because of me and now...", I shake my head again before continuing. "Now they have Nora... Tristan, I need to find her. I can't stay here, but I can't come home to you either – not now. I can't lose another child... I need to end this."

I turn around to see some tears forming in his eyes but he is smiling. I'm not entirely sure how to interpret that. Does he try to encourage me to tell him more? Does he start to understand how deep my guilt weighs? "Are you... okay?", I ask irritated. "Coming home?", he asks before taking my neck to press his lips against mine. My eyes widen in surprise, but then I give in.

It's a soft kiss that follows, but I can feel his tensions. Moving his head at my shoulder he presses me so hard against him that all air leaves my lungs. "Tristan...", I say breathlessly. "We have all night and day, my moon." His grip slightly loosens and one of his hands slips at the side of my leather vest were the straps hold it together.

Slowly untying it he continues. "I can understand that you want to find her, but this time..." A gentle pull and I let him undress my upper body. "Please don't leave me alone again. Let's do this together, okay?" His eyes are glowing intensely and I can feel the heavy blush that flushes over my whole face. I nod nearly will-less.

How often did I beg for the same thing in my head in the past? I reach out my hand to run my thumb over his cheekbone. "I'm not worth to shed a single tear for me." Softly stroking over my shoulders and chest he smiles even more.

"Why don't you let it be up to me who is worth?" With a sad smile on my face, I feel the urge to celebrate that intimate moment. "As a single father, you have to learn a thing or two how to keep tears at bay..." I get away from him to reach out for my fiddle on the roughly carpentered side table.

"Tell me about your son. How was his name?", Tristan asks as I lay down the fiddle on my shoulder. It makes me sad, and it hurts so much to even think about him. Far more than it hurts to talk about Gwendolyn. "He was the light in my darkness. This kind of light that not even the sun can bring."

I smile. "His name was Tobias. When he was little, I nearly despaired with all that crying, but this was one of his favorites to bring back his smile... Let me bring back your smile, Tristan."

I start to play without giving him the chance to say something if he doesn't intend to interrupt me. My eyes are closed as the pull and push of the bowstring brings the instrument to life and releases a melody that's worth the stormy weather outside. Complimenting the sound with some knocks at the wood of the fiddle I try to get rid of the sadness that wants to spread within me. Imprisoning my chest, taking my breath and making my head spin...