Ryden Oneshots

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Life

It all started with The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Building Birdhouses, really. It wasn’t supposed to be a serious thing, but why Jon got it for him, they would never know ,and they would definitely never thank him for it. Jon said it was a joke, and it may have been funny when the first wrapping paper came off, but three months later when Brendon was still working on the birdhouse, hammering in nails at three in the morning, it wouldn’t be so funny.

That may have been the end of it too, had Jon not done it again. The rest of the band was about to kill him when Jon’s Christmas gift to Brendon was The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Knitting. Spencer had naively suggested that maybe it wouldn’t so bad since it was only knitting. He wouldn’t say the same thing when he got a hand-knitted sweater, scarf, and socks for his next birthday.

Jon didn’t seem to see the problem, but when he got the third one for Brendon’s next birthday, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Conversational Sign Language, even he had to admit it was a bad idea.

"Jon!"

Jon didn’t look up from his video game, concentrating hard on killing the aliens. He heard Ryan storming into the bus’ living room. Magazines littered the floor along with empty cans of diet coke and Red Bull, and they were kicked out of the way as Ryan came striding in.

"Jon!" Ryan said angrily, his hands on his hips, glaring down at him.

"Hmm?" Jon asked, never taking his eyes off the television, hitting the controller furiously. He could practically hear Ryan’s anger boiling over.

"Why did you give him that book?" Ryan demanded.

Jon shrugged vaguely, staring intently at the TV. "You said he needs to read more."

"I meant like Dickens or Austen or Tolstoy!" Ryan exclaimed. "Not The Complete Idiot’s Guide to being an Idiot!"

"They don’t make that one."

"Well, maybe you should write it since you’re the expert."

"Oh, ouch," Jon said, frowning for only a second as he lost a life. "Ryan, that was cruel."

Ryan rolled his eyes, frustrated when Jon’s eyes never wavered from the screen. "He won’t even talk anymore! How’s he supposed to sing?!"

Jon shrugged. "He’ll sign."

"JON!"

Jon sighed and paused the game. He turned to Ryan. "Alright, alright. Calm down, Ry. Don’t want you to have a heart attack or something. Then we might have to get Brendon The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Surgery."

"That’s not funny!" Ryan said, his hands balling into fists.

Jon chuckled. "It kind of is."

"No, it isn’t! He’s learned sign language and no one else knows it! How are we supposed to know what he’s saying?"

"Read the book," Jon suggested simply, turning his game back on. Ryan let out a scream of rage and stormed back to his bunk, leaving a chuckling Jon behind.

Ryan flopped down on his bed and stared at the dark ceiling for a few minutes, calming his breathing until he could think straight again. He took a breath and sighed, trying to come up with the most painful way for Jon Walker to die.

He was unsurprised when Brendon dropped down from the bunk above.

"Hey, Bren," he said tiredly, glancing at him. Instead of getting a reply as he would have liked, he got a bunch of hand movements that made absolutely no sense to him.