Ryden Oneshots

Rubber Ducky You Are The One

“Rubber ducky, you are the one,” Brendon sings tunelessly, sitting up to his armpits in soapsuds and rapidly cooling water. Outside his safe haven of a bathroom, Spencer is pounding on the door, shouting threats over Brendon’s singing and saying, “Brendon Boyd Urie, bad, bad things will happen if you do not get out of that bathtub this instant,” and Ryan is sulking because he isn’t wearing eyeliner yet and Ryan always feels out of sorts without his eyeliner. Brendon almost feels bad, but then his favorite rubber duck, Bernard, flips over in the water, exposing his underside in a decidedly scandalous manner, and it’s time for Super Duck to save the day! Brendon makes a quiet fwoosh noise and in flies the duck that Jon got him for Christmas, which has a painted cape and mask.

    “Don’t worry, I’ll save you,” Super Duck, speaking in the voice of Brendon Urie, mutters, and in an unprecedented show of heroism and strength unseen in all of duckdom, Super Duck flies under Bernard the Unfortunately Exposed and flips him right side up. While Bernard fawns accordingly, Brendon sits back and listens as Spencer’s threats get bloodier and bloodier. He’ll get out eventually—right before the vein in Spencer’s temple explodes and sprays valuable Spencer blood all over the hotel room, which could lead to some embarrassing inquiries and perhaps some bad press for the band. But until then, Brendon is content to wash his hair again and maybe let Bernard and Super Duck have another adventure.

    “Brendon,” Jon’s voice comes through the door, and Brendon squirms. He hates it when Spencer calls on Jon to get him out of the bathtub because Brendon is really bad at denying Jon and his calm, reasonable voice anything at all, especially since Jon gave him Super Duck and allowed the great and tragic love story that is Bernard and Super Duck to occur. And Jon didn’t even comment on the big gay love either, which was rather considerate of him, especially since even Pete laughed at him. Which is kind of silly really, because it’s, well, Pete.

    “Brendon, why don’t you put away Bernard and Super Duck and come out? Ryan needs to put on his eyeliner—you know how he gets.” Somehow, Jon’s voicing of Brendon’s own worries makes them seem even more important, so with a sigh, Brendon washes off his ducks, puts them back in their little box together, and washes away the soapsuds.

    Five minutes later, he opens the door to the bathroom and glowers out at Jon. “I am not a child,” he mumbles, all evidence to the contrary, and steps aside ungraciously as Ryan lunges past him and slams the bathroom door shut behind him. Brendon wants to tell him that he looks just fine without eyeliner—Brendon always thinks Ryan looks just fine—but there’s no time.

    Several hours later, Brendon is sufficiently pacified by Cocoa Puffs and the promise of some free time when they reach their next venue. He’s even been magnanimous enough to forgive Ryan for his earlier unforgivable behavior, and is currently regaling him with his plans for the free time.
    “We, Ryan Ross,” says Brendon, “are going to have an adventure. I hope you are ready.”

    Brendon reflects that it’s very lucky that he’s got Ryan, because no one else, not even Jon, can put up with him for prolonged periods of time. Brendon thinks sometimes that even Ryan tunes him out after he’s talked nonstop for a few hours, but then Ryan looks right at him and gives a real answer to a question Brendon asked without really expecting a response, and Brendon knows Ryan is actually listening, and what’s more, he’s thinking about some of the things that Brendon says. It’s a very gratifying and rare feeling.

    “By which you mean we’re going to get really really lost and then try to find our way back to the venue in time for the show, by which time we will be starving since neither of us will have thought to bring money, and despite having what I’m sure you will think is a great adventure, we will most likely be pursued by the police and maybe a few angry bystanders that you offended God knows how,” Ryan says in one breath and with no inflection whatsoever.