Ryden Oneshots

In A Telescope Lens (When All You Want Is Friends)

Summary: A post-split fic. Brendon recognizes Ryan at a Panic! concert.

After the split, Brendon hadn’t been the same.

Obviously, things were never going to be the same after they left. Brendon was standing in front of the mirror, reminiscing about past shows, past lives, past people.

Mainly just Ryan. “It was like losing part of me,” he had told the interviewers. It was like losing the sound of his voice - after so many years with Ryan by his side every step of the way, Brendon’s own words seemed amazingly insecure and Ryan’s words now seemed empty without their owner around to make them alive.

Brendon couldn’t help it, really. It wasn’t his fault that the lyrics from previous eras seemed empty without Ryan present. They just were. There was a feeling of Ryan-ness that was present in their previous shows that was gone now, and Brendon wasn’t sure if the crowd felt it, but he certainly did.

Or maybe he was the only one who felt it, because he was the only one who really knew what it was like to fill the gigantic, black-hole-sized gap that Ryan left in the stage now. He couldn’t even explain the feeling to Spencer.

Sometimes, during the shows, Brendon would imagine that Ryan was there, standing on the stage right next to him. He imagined Ryan smiling and Ryan’s long fingers stroking the strings of the guitar. But then he would hear Dallon’s voice instead on the supporting vocals and everything just felt wrong.

Don’t get him wrong - Dallon was an amazing musician and Brendon was extremely grateful that their replacement bassist was f---ing brilliant. Not to mention, Ian was also great and Spencer was, well, Spencer - reliable as always.

Brendon tried really, really hard to forget about it. To enjoy things as they were, to stop comparing it to past times. And most of the time it worked - sometimes he would lose himself in the music, in the moment, feel the thrill of being onstage and hearing the crowd roar, louder than ever.

But all those times really didn’t even start filling the giant gap that Ryan left - in the band, and in his heart.

It was almost showtime. Brendon stood in front of the mirror, getting dressed. It was one of his moping nights - most of time he did a fine job of being happy and totally show-ready but tonight obviously wasn’t one of those nights. The band hadn’t had a show the previous night, so he was probably a bit more thoughtful than usual... yeah, that was it. It was just being thoughtful.

Actually, it wasn’t exactly the case - it was Ryan’s birthday. Well, technically it was Spencer’s birthday today, but the band used to jointly celebrate their birthdays and it was kind of hard to avoid thinking about it.

He remembered. He remembered the times Ryan sat next to him by their dressing room mirror.

It was right before their Denver show. Brendon watched as Ryan sat in front of the mirror, the contents of his makeup bag spilled out before him and eyeliner in his hand. He was putting the finishing touches for the show tonight: the flock of birds on his right cheek.

Ryan noticed Brendon staring at his long fingers. “You want some?” Ryan asked, gesturing at the bag of makeup.

“Maybe just a little bit...” Brendon could only wish to look as awesome as Ryan with his gorgeous makeup and the famed rosevest. He fidgeted with the ruffles on his shirtfront as Ryan stared at his face calculatingly, trying to determine what would look good.

“Yeah, a little bit of shadow under your eyes would be nice,” Ryan said finally. He reached out to grab a brush - the really fuzzy one that made Brendon’s nose tickle. Ryan gave him a sideways smile. “Try not to be ticklish.”