Love.
It is a beautiful word. One that is spoken so wonderfully about in poems and songs.
It is a beautiful feeling. One that is sparkling in the eyes of couples and is felt through their touches.
But every coin has two sides.
As much happiness at...
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"I once belonged in a world under the sun."
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It's been a week since I ran into Jimin at the graveyard. Only a week yet it felt like an eternity. One filled with heartache and pain unlike any as his words resonate within my mind. The only reason I could even tell what day it was, was due to the calendar Youngjae kept up in the living room.
Since my little breaking the rule fiasco, I had been confined to my room.
I must say I was surprised that I had been given a separate room that accommodated me well. It had a decent sized bed with a small closet to house my few clothes that ranged from hoodies to plain white t-shirts. Surprisingly, it even had it's own small bathroom attached.
But there were rules to everything.
From how long I got in the shower, to when I woke, to how much I slept and ate. He dictated everything and I followed wordlessly. It was hard to break rules when you knew the end result would be a beating that would leave me broken and battered.
Sometimes when the weight of what I had done was too much, I'd break a rule on purpose, only to receive the punishment I deserved. He never let me hurt myself, keeping anything that I could use to harm myself locked away. Only he had the right to touch and mark me, so I did what I must to receive the punishment for my wrongdoings.
Despite that, I had freedom to go anywhere within the house, unless I was being punished like this past week. And that small amount of freedom I appreciated. It made everything that much less suffocating.
There was so much guilt gnawing in my insides. First and foremost was that of being the reason for Tae's death. Though I had believed I was at fault since before, Jimin's words had just confirmed it, and the little light within me that said otherwise had been completely extinguished, leaving me cold and alone. But I could not blame him, after all he had only spoken the bitter truth, truth that I finally wholeheartedly accepted.
Then there was the matter of leaving Namjoon hyung and Jin hyung without so much an explanation. Of leaving Yoongi hyung and Hoseok hyung without even meeting them one last time. With Youngjae I was not allowed to meet them or contact them, my phone and laptop taken away. The only time I was allowed to use either was when I had online school work, and even for that I was closely monitored.
I could not even begin to imagine how much they were breaking, how much they were most probably blaming themselves. I wondered if Jin hyung would be crying, or just lifelessly sitting beside the door waiting for me. He had always loved me as more than just a brother, almost as a son.
And I hate that I'm always the reason for everyone's misery.
My eyes trace the bruises that litter my face as I stand in front of the bathroom mirror. There's one beside my mouth, and my left eye is almost swollen shut, the surrounding flesh a disturbing dark black rimmed with yellow. My hair is long and unruly, almost brittle, as if it would break under any touch. I dare not raise my shirt, almost afraid of the patches of blue and black that lie underneath.
