Love.
It is a beautiful word. One that is spoken so wonderfully about in poems and songs.
It is a beautiful feeling. One that is sparkling in the eyes of couples and is felt through their touches.
But every coin has two sides.
As much happiness at...
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~*~
"No way no way it's collapsing again."
~*~
I don't miss how Jin hyung doesn't stop crying as he washes me, eyes roaming over my bruised and battered form. Neither do I miss the distraught look in Namjoon hyung's eyes as he gazes at me, unable to look away and trying hard not to break down himself.
I wanted to shout to them that I wasn't okay, though I'm sure they could tell just by looking. But I wanted to hold Jin hyung and tell him and Namjoon hyung that I needed them, that I needed someone to save me from myself. But no words formed, my mouth dry and as if a lock had been placed on it, the key to which I'd lost. There was just nothing. It was as if I was trapped in my own body, desperately knocking against the walls that held me caged, but unable to do anything against them.
All I felt was pain and a heartache unlike any, and I merely struggle to stay afloat under it. But with every minute it was getting harder to do so, and I hated myself the more Jin hyung broke down, seeing all that Youngjae had done to me. The bruises, the cuts, the burns. They were etched into me and now he-he was a part of me in the most disgusting way.
For the longest time I stayed blind to just how cruel Youngjae could be. The abuse I always thought I deserved, but to some degree I thought he could never fall as low as he had. Some part of me trusted him to keep my dignity intact and as long as I had that, I was fine. I could live. But then he took that away from me as well, and the world finally crashed, but this is what was expected, right?
Why was Jin hyung crying? Why was he upset? I deserved this, right, so why is Jin hyung breaking seeing me this way? And why was I always just hurting them?
Jin hyung gently guided me to the bed. So gentle was his touch that I cried internally, having not felt such warmth in so long. And I ached for more, despite knowing that it wasn't anything I could have or deserve. As he presented me with the spoon of chicken soup, I couldn't even open my mouth to have a taste. I wasn't really hungry to begin with, but I wanted to give them something to show them I'm still partly me, but my body no longer felt my own.
So I just sat there, watching silently as it destroyed both Namjoon and Jin hyung that much more. He gave up, instead guiding me to lay down, and I immediately close my eyes, welcoming the emptiness of sleep to overtake me.
Darkness. Endless darkness. That's the first thing I notice.
I was lying on the ground, and I almost think my eyes aren't open with how the darkness surrounds me. But then I stand, slowly, afraid to feel the pain that I felt every time I moved. Surprisingly, I feel nothing, and I quickly get to my feet. Looking around I notice nothing but black. Eternal black. I couldn't even make out the outline of my hands in front of my face.
