Old Friends (Janet and Toni Fanfic)

Chapter 63

I feel bad for going ghost on y'all so here

Toni

I hated this. But I had to. I needed to get away, even if it was only for the night, and remember how to take care of myself. I'd put a lot of faith in other people before, only to get the rug pulled out from under me. I knew Janet was different. I knew she wouldn't leave me the way I'd been left in the past, but to know that she wasn't a necessity to be okay meant a great deal to me. I didn't know how to make her understand, or if she ever would. She could be angry tonight. And the next day. But she was going to thank me when I no longer had to lock us in our bedroom for days to wallow. That wasn't me. After the last week, I didn't plan to ever get that low again.

As soon as I saw Face in the foyer earlier that day, I felt it coming. He crushed me and my family to pieces, to be very honest, but I missed our friendship. I missed the man I thought I knew. And to have him beg for me to forgive him only brought back more memories of that soft-spoken friend I used to know. Now, it was never going to be the same. I knew that. And it hurt so bad to lose him for good.

I knew I should have left when I had a better chance; I shouldn't have let Janet seduce me the way she did. But I felt so terrible. She only wanted to help. I could understand and appreciate that. It was time to help myself, though.

After leaving Tamar's, I went back to my home and just sat in my living room. Of all of the rooms we'd moved out, this one contained the most of my things and felt the most familiar. I sat on the couch, just staring at the floor, trying to remember the way I could fix my issues on my own. It was much harder. All of the events of the day just swirled around my mind in one big mix of catastrophe. How could I soothe myself? I thought about my yoga. And my meditation. Playing my piano. But to think about anything else right now seemed impossible. On top of it all, the guilt of leaving Janet and knowing she was so distraught. But a night without her would only make me better next to her.

I got up and put my jacket back on, walking down my sidewalk in the brisk night until I made it to the clearing just behind the subdivision, roughly a half mile from my house. Crickets were ringing through the black air and wind was ruffling the leaves of palm trees, already making me more at peace than the deafening silence of my living room. The grass was past my ankles before I realized how deep I'd gone into the foresty area.

I looked around at the brush before I kneeled down and placed my head in my hands, weeping uncontrollably. It took me by surprise, but I didn't fight it. No one was around to tell me I would be okay. As far as I could throw, not a soul knew what I had been through. It was just me. Self-reassurance has never been my strong suit, but as the tears began to slow, I felt ten pounds lighter. I wiped my face, stood up, and looked up at the dark indigo sky. I was cold. I was used to feeling arms around me at this point, lips on my temple, thumbs on my wet cheeks. But all I was met with was the wind. My own inner voice telling me not that it would be alright, but to get over it. I knew it wouldn't be the same. Nothing would have been better than having my lover, my mother, and best friend all in my life at once, living in harmony.

That seemed to have been too much to ask, and I was sorry that I'd even tried.

Scenarios raced through my head of what may have happened if Face didn't tell Evelyn, if she hadn't had that stroke, or if she just could be happy for me. It was nice to pretend, all by myself, outside in the night. I closed my eyes, imagining us all together. Having dinner. Family gatherings. As soon as I opened my eyes, met with pitch darkness, reality struck my body again, but it didn't hurt. Not the way it used to. I was healing myself, getting all the positive fantasies out of the way, to make room for what really happened. I found the scab was always ripped open when I thought about what could have been, or when I was in denial. But if this is what God intended for me, then I was going to accept the losses and be grateful for what he left me with—what I was supposed to have in the end.