Old Friends (Janet and Toni Fanfic)

Chapter 70

Janet

The service was held that Sunday in Baltimore.

Toni had spent an entire week beginning as soon as we flew home that morning after—countless nights—up, planning for the funeral, having conference calls with her family, running back and forth between her house, Tamar's house, and mine, trying to get everything together. And because of that, I never really saw her except for early in the morning when she'd get up and go for extended jogs by herself. We'd cross paths once I was awake and getting ready for the day, but that was it. She didn't speak to me unless I spoke first, and even more eerily, not once did I see her cry.

After we arrived from the club, she was completely mute. She packed up all of her things silently and went to sleep without another word.

To be completely honest, I didn't expect much more than that. All of these things that had happened in the past few months, one heartbreak after the next, and I think she'd gone completely numb. I didn't want to aggravate the situation by any means, but I knew at some point, we had to talk again. I was going insane. We lived in this house together and I barely ever saw her. I wanted to console her the best that I could, but what could you say to someone who had no more words?

She insisted I didn't even come to the funeral with her; it would cause too much chaos; but I couldn't stand the thought of her being alone in case afterwards, or during the service, the bottom fell out completely. Her sisters had begged and groveled for her to lead a few selections. The only reason I knew is because Tamar called to try and get me to convince her. But Toni didn't want to sing. She didn't want to do anything but pay her respects, be there for her sisters, and come home.

And that was all she did. She made her rounds at the repass with a jet-black funeral hat pulled low over her shaded eyes so that people couldn't get too close and really see what was going on with her, myself included. And when it was over, she went back to our hotel and sat out on the balcony for hours by herself.

"Hey," I said gently, bringing her the room service I'd ordered us. It was spaghetti and broccoli. "You hungry?"

"A little. Thanks." She smiled meekly and took the dish from my hands. I stood there anxiously, wondering if I should stay or go.
"You can sit," she said.

I did so without a word and just watched the sun set.

"I'm so glad this is all over," she mumbled. "More stress than Tamar's wedding. And that's saying a lot." She chuckled half heartedly.

"It was a beautiful service," I commented. "She did a great job leading that song... what was it called again?"

"For Every Mountain. That was one of her favorites." Slowly, she lifted the fork to her lips, but then set it down again and just poked at her food. "She did do a good job."

"Yeah..." I tucked my hair behind my ear, waiting for her next move. I had so much to ask, and to say, but I held it in.

"Heaven or hell?" Toni proposed after a while.

"Huh?" I choked my food down and gave her my full attention.

"Heaven or hell? Where do you think she ended up?"

I looked out into sky. It was almost getting dark. "Um..."

"No wrong answer, just... your opinion."

"What do you think?" I countered.

"Shit. I don't know. Who even knows if that's real, right? She could just be dead. And that's it."

I sighed. I didn't like that statement at all. And as spiritual as we both were, I knew it came from a place of complete desensitization. I would have rather her been distraught than this utter lack of emotion.