Drowning / SM

Chapter 102

I started this year at school with a goal and plans for my future but if somebody has told me that I would move in with someone I love because my dad acted like shit to his family, I would never believe them.

Things change through the time and sometimes in a matter of seconds. What if we have that impression that our life is changing overnight while it's just our fate that is trying to make us do what is written? Everything we're going through, whether it's a tough moment or not, is only leading us to our last breath. Isn't it? you can try to enjoy your life as much as you want to, the end remains the same. However, the journey might look better if you decide to go over everything that can make you feel bad, alone or just empty. Are we chasing happiness or fleeing this feeling of nothingness? Can we attempt to re-write our own story and make everything go the way we would like it to? What would I change if I had the power to and start all over again? Would I even change anything?

I don't have the answers to all this questions that are making my mind go crazy but all I can say is that if I went through some bad shit and I'm still alive, standing on both my feet, then it means that I am a fucking queen.

Nobody should ever feel low because of someone else and yet, a man out there is taking out all my strength only be existing. I'm powerless and there's nothing I can do to change what's going on. Or maybe there is?

I'm just here at the bottom of this bathtub filled with water which I feel so heavy on me, in which my heart and my lungs compress, in which I'm drowning. Can we even cry when we're underwater? Am I doomed to keep everything in?

This fatality gnaws at me from the inside and I'm forced to welcome it with open arms to prevent it from smothering me. Closing my eyes, I get lost somewhere I can stop pretending. Under all this water that serves as a barrier, cutting me off from the outside world and limiting any noise coming from elsewhere.

Earlier today, I went to my parents' to talk with them about the past year, to make a balance sheet but also to see them because I missed them. I missed Liam. This little boy I used to spend so much time with and now it's like we barely know each other. I blamed my dad for leaving us but I did the exact same and I realize that Shawn was right when he compared me to him. Although he didn't mean that my dad and I were alike in the wrong ways.

A lot went on during the past weeks, Shawn released his latest album and he's doing all the promo that goes with it. He's working hard as always, or is this just the impression I have?

I feel like I've been missing so much of my life lately as if I was in pause mode. Things go on and I'm a witness, not the master of nothing any longer. Although Shawn got to know everything about me, Cameron and that night of the game, things went worse instead of better. I don't know why though, it's just as if we lost interest in each other, as if we didn't care about each other no more, as if we were just together because we're used to it.

I love him like I've never loved anyone else, don't get me wrong, my love for him unconditional but it's just the way it changed. Months went on and we're both really busy and sometimes I can feel elsewhere which sounds weird since we live under the same roof.

I just want to feel alive but this past year, my emotions went up and down without any time to rest a little. Whenever I felt happy and fulfilled, the second that followed felt like I was on the edge of the end.

When was the last time I felt stable? And I don't want to say that tis time I'm going to refocus on myself and do everything in my power to get better because every time I do, it doesn't last. I'm just letting it go the way it wants to and I'll be following it step by step on the way of the healing. I'll do instead of say and I'll achieve what I could achieve since day one.

I don't know for how much time I'm under that water but I'm feeling that it got colder since I got in it.

My eyes closed, I remember my reaction when my dad told me that it was time for me to know. To know everything and to finally understand. Both of them were sitting in front of me as to announce me something big while they just repeated me everything they already told me but last time I saw them I told myself that I was going to go over all of this, something I did. The main reason why I came is to spend time with them and I enjoyed it. I really did. It was kind of the idea of Shawn to be honest. He's always so close to his family and hitting them up all the time, telling them he loves them and stuff. He told me that besides everything else, when you'll be alone, there will always be your family by your side. And after a long silence he added that it's up to us to choose who we count as our family. This might sound obvious, but hearing it when you need it the most makes it a thousand times more important.

I take a breath out of the water and dive back to the bottom as if my demons were keeping me in the depths. Well, if we can call a bathtub deep. It just depends on how you see it, as something that lightens or something that makes everything worse.

These Wilde thoughts that have been running through my mind exhausted me and now I just want to sleep as much time as I can or at least just a few moments before I get out of here. Just a second. The time that I need to make all these buzz, this loudness that hits me hard stop.

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Hi!!!! Can I even apologize for not uploading for like a decade??? I mean I really am sorry but ending a story is harder than starting it and I have no idea how to end it woa
Anyways, this chapter is a narrative one which is the first time I do this so I hope you liked it !! (Also hoping that you didn't forget about this story lol)
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