Twisted and Torn (afi/lrh)

Can't Go Back

Warning: some things in this chapter are very dark. It might trigger some things, so watch out.

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Ashton's POV

As I'm driving away, I can still feel Brit's lips on mine. I smile at the warm feeling, but immediately brush it away. I kissed my best mate's girlfriend. What have I done?

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I pull up to my house and turn of my car. I walk into my house and grab something to eat. As I'm getting it together, there's a knock on my door.

It's Luke.

He comes in in a rage. He's shouting, and I find myself doing the same thing. I don't even feel the words in saying leave my mouth. I'm still numb from that kiss. Luke is so mad, and I feel guilty, but I had to do it.

"This isn't over, Hemmings," I said menacingly.

Where did that even come from?

"You bet it's not, Irwin." With that he stormed out of my house.

I don't know if I'm more mad at Luke, or myself. I've been acting very impulsively lately. That's not like me. I've also been very selfish. I shouldn't have kissed Brit. She belongs to another man.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to be who I used to be? Lately everything feels wrong. I'm not happy anymore. I feel so alone. I have plenty of people who would do anything for me, but I feel so alone. No one knows what I'm feeling. I'm not even sure I know.

Can I get out of this rut? Or will I be stuck forever in this wasteland?

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I wake up the next morning with a strong headache. I groan as I roll over. I plant my feet on the floor and pad over to my dresser. I pull out a Slipknot t-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans. I bring my clothes to the bathroom. I quickly undress and step into the shower. I let the warm water roll over my body. It does wonders for my headache. I stay in the shower until the water runs cold. I slip on my clothes and walk back out into my room. I fumble through my sheets and find my phone. I have a few messages and Twitter notifications. One text stands out. It's from Hannah.

From Hannah :)

Hey, can we meet up today? I really want to see you. :)

I smile at this text. Someone actually wants to see me and be in the same room as me.

To Hannah :)

Of course. How about we meet @ Starbucks around 2?

I put my phone down and turn my stereo on. I go over to the small collection of books I have. I flip through them, and I settle on reading Before I Fall. It's one of the girlier books I've ever read. It was actually Lauren's. She left it on the table one night, and I got bored, so I cracked it open. It turned out to be a really good book.

I continued from the spot I was in the last time I read it. Sam was at Kent's party. She had just come in from outside drenched and cold since it was February. Kent had given her things to cover herself and made her hot chocolate, and it was in that moment that she realized that Kent had always been there, watching her, loving her. She ended up loving the person she had pushed away. It was really quite beautiful.

Wait a minute.. Was I doing that? Was I pushing Hannah away for Brit? Did I like Hannah? I think I did. I usually keep so many walls up, but around Hannah... They could all come down. I never realized that I was me around her. The me that never came out anymore.

I looked down at my phone. It was nearly 2. I got up and walked out of my house. I got into my car and smiled at the realization I had made. I finally have chosen who I want.