adore you // [h.s]

60

Harry

It's almost been a month since everything happened. Every single night Audrey wakes up in a panic and it's only gotten worse as the time passes. I thought it would get better, but it's not. Audrey isn't sleeping at all now because she lives in constant fear of seeing his face.

I figured as long as I kept Matt away from her at the party then she would be safe. All I have ever wanted to do was keep her safe. I've never been able to keep her safe. The only thing I know how to do is let her down. I felt so angry with myself as well as Matt.

Things were supposed to get better once they had Matt in custody, but they didn't. Audrey wasn't supposed to be so scared anymore, that should've made her feel safe but it didn't. The fact that she didn't understand why bothered her more than anything else, but I couldn't answer her question. I didn't understand how or why he could do something like that to someone I loved. He was one of my best mates growing up, so like Audrey, I wish I could understand.

There was nothing I could do to save her. I can't go back in time to keep this all from happening. I couldn't do anything, I could barely even bring myself to look her in the eyes. This was all my fault. I didn't protect her. I should've been able to feel her leaving the bed, but I was so exhausted. I had too much to drink at the party which made it so much worse. This was my fault.

All I could was lay here at night and ask God why he would bring someone so fragile into my life knowing that I can't protect her. I laid here for hours, trying to fall asleep but I never could, so I waited for Audrey to wake up.

My attention moved to the doorway whenever Audrey walked into the room. She just stood there for a minute, looking completely broken. It was obvious that she had been crying. I felt my heart breaking inside of my chest.

"Harry." She stated plainly. Audrey had no expression on her face, she looked completely empty, "Why won't you hold me?" She asked, still lacking emotion.

I sucked in a deep breath, "Ba-"

"Do not give me some bullshit answer." She snapped at me, "For weeks I have been begging you to hold me and you won't. You can barely even look at me anymore. I have been hurting and all I have ever wanted was for you to hold me! I just want to be held, to feel loved, to feel like I'm not completely broken for five minutes."

Tears rolled down her cheeks while she continued to spill her feelings. I didn't have an answer for her or I at least didn't have one that would make any sense to her. I blamed myself for everything. It was hard for me to look into her eyes and feel like a man. A man knows how to protect the people he loves.

Audrey was so damn fragile and she's been dropped one too many times. I was supposed to be different. All I wanted was to be different, she deserved better.

I jerked whenever I felt Audrey touch my leg. I looked up to see Audrey looking at me with tears rolling down her cheeks, "Do you still want me? I know that I'm damaged and that I come with a lot of baggage. I'm sorry that everything happened."

Did she really just apologize? I don't know what asshole convinced her that she needed to apologize for everything like it was her fault, but I would love to have a chat with him.

I was silent for a moment before I patted the bed in between my legs. Audrey crawled into the spot, carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. I placed either hand on the side of her face, rubbing my thumbs under her eyes to catch the tears.

"I want you to listen to me," She nodded, "I will never not want you, Audrey Taylor. You're my girl." I could see a faint smile come across her lips before it quickly fell.

"Can you please just hold me?" She asked while more tears formed in her eyes. I can't hold you.

There was something inside of me holding me in place. I felt like I was completely paralyzed. Audrey placed her hands around my neck while she pulled herself into me, "Baby, please, just hold me! I just need you to hold me."

I could feel Audrey's tears soaking through my shirt. She had my shirt pulled tightly into her fists while she continued to weep, "Baby, please. I just want to feel okay again."

God she was breaking my heart. I felt the tears stinging my eyes while she begged me to hold her, to make her feel okay again. You can't fix her, Styles.

"I can't fix you." I mumbled.

Audrey pulled her head out of my shoulder so she would look me in the eyes, "Do you remember the day after you finished 'Adore You,' we were on our way here?" I nodded, "I should've told you this then, but I was so trapped inside my mind, Harry Styles, you are my fish."

That's when I broke. Audrey was my fish. I was on the verge of losing it all before I met her. I wasn't myself and I hadn't been for months. All I could do was carry this weight around and pray that it would all end soon.

Audrey held me tighter than she has ever held me before, and I could say that I did the same. She continued to cry into the crook of my neck while I rubbed circles into her back in order to soothe her.

"Baby, I'm sorry." I apologized, "I know that a simple 'I'm sorry' doesn't fix this. I know that it's going to take a lot of work. I think it's obvious that I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm learning. I'm so used to pushing people away whenever I feel like I've let them down, and I let you down. I can't apologize enough. I should've protected you, it was my job to protect you and I didn't. I'm going to do better, baby, I promise. I will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe again."

After that neither of us said anything, we just held each other. The silence wrapped us in a blanket of comfort. Even though we didn't speak, I could feel both of us healing. We needed each other.