Growing

Growing Part 22

Ag's POV:

Anna was trying to be helpful, and I loved her for that, but the way she was looking at me made me feel like and injured animal. Well, maybe I am. I kept having dreams of her cheating on me, but I just don't want to worry her. I'm not the girlfriend she signed up for. She needs somebody who could be just as strong as her to hold her up when she fell. To love her on her bad days just as much as the good. I did love her, but I am so torn up right now. The weight of my own burdens may be too much to bear, what am I supposed to do when she has a burden too much for her alone? I wanted to be there for her but I wasn't even here for myself. I needed forgiveness for how weak I feel. I'm so insecure about everything.

        My ability to make her happy, my ability to move on, to get a solid job so I can provide for her. It's just all so overwhelming. We were going to go to the dorm room today to get Anna's stuff, because she was either going to get a different dorm or commute from her mom's house.

       We pulled into the parking lot and she gave me her key because she was on the phone with her mom. I unlocked the door and had to stop myself from destroying everything of Taylor's. There were her pictures of hometown friends and new college ones. She even had a recent one of Anna and her.

Taylor looked sweet but I could see the treacherous look in her eye. Something was just off about that girl. I saw that on Anna's desk the main piece was a framed picture of me and her. Anna couldn't have been more clear with Taylor, but she couldn't take no for an answer. I needed to get out of here.

Meeting her back down at the car with a large duffel bag full of stuff, Anna and her mom had gotten off the phone and she was sitting in silence. I was so tired of this growing distance away from her but I didn't know how to stop it. I wanted to be better, be present. I wanted to fight for her against my own mind.

"Ag?"

"Yeah?"

"What's going on? Seriously, I don't want to push you but I think you need it."

"I- I want-... my mind won't..."

       I was getting so worked up tears welled up in my eyes. I looked at her and she looked at me with so much pity I was sort of irked by it. Anna was trying to be helpful, and I loved her for that, but the way she was looking at me made me feel like and injured animal. Well, maybe I am. I kept working myself up into situations where I need to talk to someone but I feel weak. Like I'm not the girlfriend she signed up for. She needed somebody who could be just as strong as her to hold her up when she fell. To love her on her bad days just as much as the good. I did love her, but I am so fragile. The weight of my own burdens may be too much to bear, what am I supposed to do when she has a burden too much for her alone? I wanted to be there for her but I wasn't even here for myself. I needed forgiveness for how weak I feel. All I need to do is express this to her.
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Anna's POV:

I made my voice soft, I wanted her to know I wasn't attacking her, "Bub, you can take as much time as you need, but I'm not going to leave until we talk."

       I nodded and took deep breaths, she grabbed my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I sat there for a minute collecting my thoughts and then spoke.

"I've always struggled with trust and so have you so you know what it feels like. When I saw you with Taylor it just kinda triggered that response I guess. I love you and I know that you handled her right, but it's just what my mind does. I want to trust you so bad, but there's a block." I had never been this candidly honest with someone before, it was terrifying but also relieving. She nodded, seemingly taking in the information and then answered.

"I have felt the exact same way, even with you in the beginning. It has nothing to do with you personally, but it's just there. I think we just need reassurance and we build from there. That's what happened with you. I got to a place where I could feel that you loved me and that you wouldn't hurt me, then I started to be my real self and you never proved that you needed that mistrust I was giving you."

"I want to work on it."

"I'm so proud of you, bub. I know it's so hard to open up."

"I'm in love with you." I smiled at her with tears on my cheeks.

"I'm in love with you."

       We shared a deep kiss and with it a promise to improve for ourselves and each other. 
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(Part 22 Rewrite)