Zain's choice ✔️

31: The missing 'I'

Mira's POV

I was going to sleep early. So I can wake up by 3am. Everyday, it seems, my grief fades, replaced by this decent feeling of contentment.

Contentment in the fact that I can deal. I can heal. And I can let go of the past.

I can't forget Zain. It's impossible to.

But I no longer feel that irrepressible yearning to have him so close. Now, all I care about is praying for him. I wish he is fine.

Then Umar comes into my room and tells me Ya Aman is here to see me.

I sigh. I know the day will come considering what Momsie said his mother had come here for.

So I put a thick long hijab before going out to meet him.

"Will you marry Ya Aman?" Umar asks worriedly.

I smile at him and say "no Umar. I won't marry him" I assure him.

He looks physically relieved. Which is surprising.

"Why don't you want me to marry him?" I ask. In fact, Umar is the one who introduced me to Aman.

"You really love Ya Zain. And you said he is sick. You can't just marry anyone" he declares.

Wow! A time is coming when Umar is finally standing for his brother! I hid a smile. I have worked really hard trying to make them see that Zain has issues. That he loves me and that I don't care what he did. I know something is wrong.

To think it is working makes me feel good.

I see Aman standing next to his black phantom and I smile at the sight of him after so long.

I don't feel the rush of feelings which I thought I'll have to fight. What I feel, is a love totally different from that which is required to marry someone.

Funny, when I was married to Zain, I had to try very hard to forget him. Yet he doesn't seem all that interesting right now when all I want is my former life in Zain's house.

Like dear heart, can you not be so confused!

I know that I feel connected to him. And I do love him. But honestly, I have never fantasized about what it will feel like to be in his arms or to kiss him senseless or have him make love to me.

I always feel gratitude, admiration, respect and that all seems to bundle up into a sturdy feeling of love.

It is more than some people have when they get married. No. It's more than enough to make a marriage last. Truthfully it is all that is needed.

Yet, I can't forget the thrill of being married to Zain. I can't look at him without feeling an insane need to be in his arms and listen to the sound of his smile...

I am ruined honestly. I can't ever marry again. Which makes me wonder what the hell I am going to do with my life once family is crossed out!

Anyways, our eyes met and I see the way he is looking at me and I feel very guilty somehow.

You are not married! Stop making yourself feel married!

Still, I looked away from him, choosing to stare at the ground I am walking on as I walk towards him.

Umar leaves us in silence and I summoned a greeting which he replied to.