Make Myself A Legacy (Another Stray Kids Member)

It's Just Hard

[TW! This is really serious and I saw the need to write it. But that doesn't mean that one must read it. It's dark and sometimes we can't handle all kinds of darkness so, please. You know yourself. If you ever do find the need to talk if you feel comfortable with me then I'm open. Reach out if you need it. Or even in the comments or wherever. Okay?]

If one gets filled with all the blessings the world gives yet he isn't happy, does that make him a monster? Does it make him prideful? Does it make him evil? But who are other people to say so, yet in this world, it so happens that people have the right to have the answers to these questions.

People started asking about his past. Who was the song for? What was its meaning? Why choose to release it? More than a hundred questions that each pierce his heart when they ask. They were desperately digging into his past. Something he wanted to leave yesterday too. But it was his decision to release it.

The story behind the song was proof of the time limit on the sources of happiness. Yet he wanted the song to be his closure on that. He chose to release the song because it was his closure yet people wanted to erase that closure. They wanted to pry open into his doors and it just got him suffocating. He was suffocating anywhere he went. Behind the door, stuck in the ocean of his thoughts and doubts and what-ifs. On the open air with people whose hands desperately wish to get his voice out. Wringing their hands at his neck wanting to release words that he chooses to stay at the back of his throat.

But this was the price of his blessings. He wanted to shine. He chose to be recognized and now that he was on stage, he was theirs to critique. This mindset he had embedded for so long. People tried to get him out of that dark cloud. His members reminded him that they were there for each other. Reminding to not define himself on the sea of words, both good and bad. But it was better there. In the comments, it was kinder than his mind.

His mind was so cruel to himself. His mind would tell him to never be satisfied. Yet also call him selfish if was unsatisfied. Calling him ungrateful and it was killing him. Binary opposites of everything yet he couldn't find himself anywhere. He was not in the black nor the white nor the gray. He was not above the colors though. He was nowhere because he had no place as his mind reminded him. At the same time, he had to be everywhere because how could everyone see the microscopic parts of him?

The mirror was shattered but tomorrow it wouldn't be. There was blood on the tiles but there would be no trace later. There were bandages lying around yet it would be back in the cabinets by morning. He could fix everything and piece it all back to how the world wanted it to be. But he couldn't do that to himself. In fixed mirrors, his eyes still shattered despite the colors it held. The tiles that were too clean were pretty as white yet prettier if he was lying there. Being one with the cool tiles wherein his knees also dug into when he prayed and punished himself. The bandages that hid his scars long enough. Yet these bandages seemed to be darker than his skin that he dyed with different colors yet always returned paler than the last time.

Everything was clean. Perfect. Easy to use for others. Just like him. Accommodating for others. Yet oh beneath it all was a sin the night before.

When he came out of the bathroom and came face to face with someone familiar. Someone who could see right through him before. Keyword: before. Now he could fool him too, but maybe the man also chose to be fooled. 'Bad, Leon! Why would you ever blame him? He doesn't' know and it will always be your fault.'

He smiled at the man with his perfect idol smile. "Leon, what were you doing there earlier?"

"Just cleaning. It's been a stress habit of mine recently."

"Okay, so that's why everything's been too clean. Thanks but you don't have to do that."

Leon didn't respond anymore and proceeded to leave but the man continued on. "You don't have to clean up after yourself when you don't feel okay."

He knew. How cruel Leon was to even call him a fool earlier.

"What's happening Leon? I might know or strangers might know better. So let me be that stranger tonight for you to tell me."

"It's just hard." to be happy. It's hard to be happy, for me. It's hard to keep up with the world who chooses happiness even false. But Leon didn't continue. He just kept smiling.

"Don't worry, Hyunjin. Hyung is just having a few tired nights. It's normal."

The younger boy wanted to say more things. He wanted to chase after the older man. To be who the older man needed. But who knew what Leon needed nowadays. No one knew the whole problem anymore. It was just that there was something wrong. He just prayed that Leon didn't fall on his own. Fall yet still stands for others. He deserves to fall and stand when it's okay already to stand.

How could you help your older brother who you've been holding on to? Who has and still is so strong. It was so hard.

Yet it broke the younger when he saw the older on his knees one time and just blank. His knees were bruised yet it was like he was not there in the moment and it broke him.

He understood a part of Leon though. Everything was so hard. He knew how Leon was still thankful for them. How Leon had been fighting his battle and other's battles for so long.

But Hyunjin wanted to do more than what most were doing. Because he loved Leon, in what way though? He didn't know but it was enough for him to fight for the reason that he loves Leon.

A/N: Lighter chapters will come! Sorry if it's more on the heavy side recently. I just felt it in my blood that I had to write it. - Aid