NASRIN

CHAPTER 50

Ahmad .

"Though I never want you to go" 

The words rolled out of my mouth like I was being hypnotized. 
My mind was sore , my body trembled .
I looked her in the eye , waiting for her to say something. I was deep in desperation for her answers .
Her eyes trickled and looked away from mine ,
I could see her fighting with her tears as she blinked .
In just seconds , I watched as she ran out of the room as fast , like she was being pursued.

My heart broke the moment she walked out of the door.
She tried to be strong for me even after everything I did to her .

I slide down to the floor , tears  threatening to spill on my eyes . I knew I was strong , at least I tried to be . But the tears , they keep spilling , I was broken,  really broken and tainted . I was the only one who knew how much I endured .
Everything was insane !.

My hand found it way to my neck , holding it tight .
Right now I felt everything spinning, my heart spinning with pain .
The tears finally came down  , I found myself crying , the worst type of cry .

The one where you feel your throat clogging up and your eyes becoming blurry from tears . The one where  you just want to scream out and let it out even though you try to be strong for yourself . The one where you can't breathe properly , you feel suffocated.

It hurts !, it hurts so much, so bad .

Everything was better !
Everything was okay !.
I was okay knowing my secrets alone.
I was okay healing myself .
I shut my eyes regretting everything I said .

She deserves someone better .

Her hands intertwined with mine was all I could picture as my mind swirled .

I felt safe around her .
I felt better speaking to her.
It felt better but why did she have to run away .
It was too much for her , I keep being the devil chasing her life .

I sat there thinking about everything and nothing .
My emotions never washing away .

After a while , I stood up to try the one thing I always did when I was a kid .
I could remember whenever I was having a bad day . I always resulted to praying and reading Quran but I stopped reading the Quran when everything changed , I tried it several times after then to ease my pain but it never worked .

I walked to my room , Immediately performing wud'uh to pray nawafils  .
I prayed before picking up the Quran .
I poured my heart out to the almighty, 'ya rabb, there's something dwelling  inside me. That frightens me . It consumes me and even made me a monster , my egos outstrip me and I fail over and over again . Ya Allah , only you knows my pain , only you knows how I feel , my every thoughts , every agony and pain , you see it . All my darkness , only you understands me .
Only you ya rab.
Ya Allah save me from my darkness."

I sat there for an hour reciting the holy Quran , I felt serene . my heart becoming subtle , the force that was tightening my throat wasn't there anymore , the fist that was clenching my heart was all gone and I could breath-freely. Truly indeed , for dua is the believers weapon .

I stood up and dropped the Quran , my body less tensed .
I felt a lot better.

I badly needed water so I walked downstairs to take water and some painkiller.

I got downstairs and my eyes immediately fell on nasrins body . She was sprawled sitting on the floor with her head hang laying on the couch .

I walked closer to her , my body running with chills , iniquity trying to find its way back to my soul .
She was laying there , fast asleep , her pink cap falling sideways on her head , exposing a little of her hair .
I bent down to her , gently picking her up from the floor , making her head tilt towards my chest and adjusted to my arms . Her alluring smell submerging my soul , making my mind dwell back to when she hugged me tight just so I could feel safe around her .