Unchartered Waters ✅

Chapter 42: Conflicted

Ryan's POV

Saturday, November 13 – North Carolina

"Did you have fun?" I ask as we enter the house together.

"Anytime with everybody is always fun," Isabelle answers, to which I had to nod my head in agreement. It was why we always tried to put together time with friends. "It's why we were already planning ideas for the off-season trip."

"Do I want to know where this year?" To be honest, I didn't have a preference – as long as it was some place warm. But a shrug of her shoulders, and I can tell that they haven't quite locked down anything yet.

"I believe Daniel (Hemric) had a couple ideas to run past you.."

Making my way to the kitchen, and grabbing a drink, my mind immediately thought to other things. The off-season vacation with friends was always nice, but somebody always seemed to be missing during that time. I remember the feeling from past years, wishing that he would've come, hoping to see each other and spend time together.

Now flash forward to the present, and we were nowhere close to anything. Sure, we were friends and had conversations. However, it seemed those were worth nothing, or saw me biting my foot because he was snapping about something that I said.

"Am I a horrible person?" I question, quite randomly might I add, but it was the only thing that I could ask myself as I relived the conversation from last night.

"Where did that come from?" Isabelle asks, which wasn't a surprise considering she hadn't been able to read my thoughts. I guess there was no way out of this.

"Last night when we talked with Chase, he snap-"

"He didn't snap-"

"He pretty much gave me a pointed comment and walked off, so he snapped without snapping like you'd be used to." If it was just the pair of us, I believe Chase would've said more. But of course, he didn't want to cause a scene at his best friend's wedding, and I respect that. "I made a little mist-"

"We both made a mistake, but we made it hurt more by hiding it, pretending it meant nothing, not considering everything. That's why he's mad, Ryan. He put you on a pedesta-"

"Nobody is perfect, Izzy." I can certainly point out everybody's mistakes that are made. Forgiveness is part of it.

"If we would've kissed or even slept together, and then turned around and told him immediately, maybe it'd be easier to let go. But the fact that we hid it for months, that's what makes it worse. That's why he can't just let it go as you wish. That's why things can't just turn back in time to normal. I didn't mean he put you up there because he expected you to be perfect. But Ryan, he expected more from you. The fact that you know all of his secrets, and yet still found the way to hurt him worse than anybody else, it stings.." I understood what she was saying, and certainly there was probably merit to her words. But he was everything, and letting go wasn't easy. Hence why I was trying to do whatever I could to make up for it.

"I apologized. I explained everything that happened, and put it all on the line. Isn't that worth something?" I mean, he had forgiven me to a degree in agreeing we could be friends. We'd also spent time together since then, including some golfing together. it was better than nothing, I suppose.

"He also told you when he accepted to be your friend that he couldn't go back down that roa-"

"People say that all the time and change their mind, though." Haven't you ever had a friend take somebody back after time apart, time to mull things over, and trust rebuilt?

"But he told you that, and said that's where he stood. But every time you see him, you throw it back in his face. You remind him of those feelings, offer a restart, not allowing him to move forward as he wants to. Ryan, I know it hurts, but you need to let him go.." That's easier said than done, and I don't know if I can fully do that yet, or ever for that matter. Was that wrong of me? Sorry, but those are my feelings.

"What if I can never do that?" It was something that I had to ask myself because I think that's where I am stuck.

"Then you have to learn to live that being a consequence of your actions, and figure out the way you want to move forward. It hurts, it's not easy, but you have to do it because life doesn't just stand still and you don't always get your way." I wish that was the case because watching him spend time with Alex wasn't damn easy at all.

"Do you still love me?" I don't know where that came from, but I had to ask the question. I couldn't lose everybody at once.

"I told you how much you mean to me. I told you how much I've always liked you. I told you how much that I enjoyed our time together, and the fact I accepted because you're amazing. I have absolutely adored getting to know you better, and spend time together. I can admit that the sex is the perfect icing on the cake. So yes, Ryan, I love you." My heart fluttered as a smile came to my face. All hope wasn't lost, and truth be told, I probably couldn't do this without her calmness by me.

"I know I don't always show it, but I love you as well. I wish I could just forget what happened and move forward with yo-"

"No, I'd rather your honesty and feelings than a bunch of paper lies that everybody wants to hear. That's part of the reason why I've always been attracted to you." That's right, people. You don't need to be a tough guy to get the girl. "It's like I told you from the beginning – I want you to be happy, and do what's best for you."