Unchartered Waters ✅

Chapter 58: "I don't know what to feel."

Alex's POV

Wednesday, December 8 – Charlotte, North Carolina

After a night of axe throwing, we made the decision – jointly might I add – to spend the night at my place.

For Chase, it was a simple decision and I understood why. He does not have to walk down the same familiar halls that haunt his thoughts from what happened, and he has some comforting arms to hold him.

Oh, and might I add the fur balls were doing their part. Fletcher made the trip with him yesterday so I obviously allowed him to stay, and it was certainly cute seeing Fletch curl up with Roscoe and Finn at the bottom of the bed together.

"Something is on your mind...." I say as we lay there in silence for a couple of hours, simply letting him cuddle up close and enjoy the comfort. As I stayed focused on from the beginning – it was all about taking care of him.

"I don't know what to feel," he comments, to which sent my mind on a warp. What did that even mean? I mean, it was usually something happened, and you had a reaction. Now not everybody may agree with your reaction, but that was your opinion and feelings.

"What do you mean?" What else was there to ask? I couldn't offer advice if I didn't understand what he was saying.

"I have so many different thoughts and feelings on what happened. Part of me wants to curl up in a hole about it, and the other part wants to move forward like nothing happened. Then I have these feelings, but are they right? Are they wrong? What are you supposed to feel when that happens? Is it different because I knew her and her intentions?" Does anybody know the phone number for a psychiatrist? These social situations always make me feel awkward, and that means I am probably going to want to jam my foot down my throat by the time I am done. What am I supposed to say or do?

"Everybody's feelings are unique, and different depending on the situation. Same as something that happens on the track. You may feel one way about it, but the other driver feels something different, and then another may say another viewpoi-"

"But we both can agree that Denny is an ass." I couldn't help but chuckle back in response as no matter what, that was a true fact. Ultimately, you could ask 90% of the drivers and they'd say that.

"Fair, but say you and Kevin. You both have a different side of what happened, and then you may go ask Kyle and he'll say something different. So it's okay if you're feeling different than what people say you should, or what other people have said it feels like. It's okay if you're not sure because you're still processing what happened, just like how those Tuesday phone calls are different than a Sunday conversation." We both talk racecar language better than anything so it just seemed right to relate it back to the world that we both knew the best. I mean, what else was I supposed to say?

"I was upset and stunned at first, not knowing what to think or feel. I think I was more focused on the fact that I felt like crap. Then worry began to creep in. What if what happens changes things? That's why I didn't call you, or really say much back." Taking a deep breath, I was admittedly surprised by his initial response, but I also understood it given what he was saying. It was the same way in how I was wondering what comfort buttons to push right now, and what was off the limits.

"Just because you went through that isn't going to change how I feel about you. I care about you, I love you, and there's so many reasons for both of those things. Damn Chase, I mean, I don't think I could ever just let you go." I meant that because now that we've opened this door, there's no way that he can shut it on me right now. "I admit that I was worried about things at first, worried about how you'd feel about certain things that just come natural to us. But hey, we'll get through it. We'll take it one step at a time, and see what you're comfortable doing as you're ready. Just promise me if I cross a line, that you will let me know."

"I promise, but the same goes both ways. If you feel there's something that I need to do different, then let me know." Fuck, I don't think we'd ever reach that moment. I'm ready for everything that is Chase, whether these simple times together, the intimidate times together, or just having fun. But I knew I had to say what I did because if I entered a zone he wasn't ready for, I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. "I'm sorry I didn't reac-"

"It's fine, Chase. I knew you were dealing with a lot after what happened, and knew you would when you were ready." I then wrap my arms around him, allowing him to lay against me. "All that matters is that you let me in now, and I can be here."

"I still feel guil-"

"It's oka-"

"I mean, I feel guilty about what happened. I keep saying it's my fau-"

"You tried as hard as you could to get away from her. You pushed as hard as you could. Sometimes you get stuck in a situation that you can't away from. It's not your fau-"

"But I brought her into my life, I also let her play me a couple tim-"

"You never could've known what she was capable of, or how far she'd go. I mean, we all originally thought she was the great perfect sweetheart those first couple months. Do you remember how Willie and I were saying it's awesome to see ya'll together?" He nods his head, which was progress. I mean, I did like her initially. I thought she was great when she was around the track a couple times. Nobody could notice she was a devil in disguise.

"But I don't understand why she would come back these months later. Why would she warn Ryan, and then come see me? It doesn't make sense." Did anybody ever understand why someone did something? Maybe I need to watch that Criminal Minds show. Maybe I could really use that psychiatrist.

"She knows you broke up with Ryan, thought she'd use that as an opportunity to weave her way in – hence the show up at your door that day. But seeing you super happy, enjoying life, having fun, and moved on to someone else, it probably made her jealous. You spoke of how she controlled a lot of shit the last couple months you were together, so this is just the next phase." I just hope we don't ever meet anymore phases beyond this as I can't handle this bullshit.

"Do you think she'll stay behind bars?" The legal system was supposed to be smart at what they did. If you had enough evidence, it worked. They had evidence.

"I believe so." Actually, she better or she may get her ass kicked by some people.

"What if she doesn't?" I can't help but feel my heart quiver in hearing the fear in his voice.

"You'll be fine, because you have your parents, your dog, my dogs, Ryan I suppose, and most importantly me to protect you. We love you, Chase."