Unchartered Waters ✅

Chapter 64: "Show me what love can be, and allow an escape."

Alex's POV

Sunday, December 19 – Colorado

"I'm glad that I made the decision to go away with you," he says as I bring him over a cup of hot chocolate, sitting it on the table before him. I then sit on the couch, right next to him, never one to not take advantage of the time together.

I remember when I told him that I was going away to Colorado for some time with friends. I remember when he told me that he wouldn't be far from where I'd be. I kept bugging about us getting together for some time, but he kept being worried about suspicious people, interrupting my friend with other friends, becoming too much. However, my insisting paid off as while I spent time with CJ and Jake today, the late afternoon, evening, and now night by the fire was dedicated to one person alone.

I have always loved snowboarding and certainly will take advantage of some fun time away from the stress of everything. But being able to do it today with him for awhile? It was just another fun new level of jokes, conversation, and having fun together.

As I keep saying, the more that I get to know him, the more I fall in love. Does that sound too cliché?

"I'm glad that you accepted too as I would've hated the time apart," I reply back, because while I love CJ and Jake, it's just not the same as the time as we spend together.

"It's really been the perfect time away. I've had a lot of fun, and I especially love our cuddles together." That's one thing that I was glad we hadn't lost in the midst of everything – being close together, and our cuddles. In fact, it seemed there was more than before which I had no complaints about. He was better to cuddle with than Finn.

"I figured you needed the time after everything..." Certainly I know they say you shouldn't run from your problems, but this wasn't doing that. This was handling them, while creating enough distance for sanity through it. That sounds reasonable, right? "Chase, are you okay?"

"Truth be told, I was surprised how much my emotions got to me yesterday. I mean, I know there's bound to some reaction at some sort. But telling everybody what she did exactly, reseeing those images in my mind, it brought forth a weird sense. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed. I felt pain, anger, sadness, this whirl of emotions to which I didn't know what to feel about her taking advantage of me. Is it normal?"

"Absolutely." Truth be told, I couldn't know for certain because I'd never been in his shoes. However, it just seemed right. "You have a right to feel whatever you want to feel about what happened. It happened to you, you have previous events that happened. Everybody is going to feel different and nothing is wrong. As long as you know it's not your fault, and you're going to be okay, that's what matters."

"I just can't get those images from my mind..." Anybody have any suggestions out there?

"You just have to remember that she won't win this fight. Don't allow it consume you and make you who you are. Keep in you you're strong, she didn't win the battle, and everything will be fine. They'll fade each day as you begin to grip those emotions." Normally that's what happens with grief or any other pain, so it just seemed to fit this experience right here and now.

"I want you to help me forget, Alex. I want you to give me a reason to forget." I watch as he places his mug back on the table, and a lump forms in my throat. "Make love to me. Make me forget that she even exists."

"Chas-"

"Show me what love can be, and is, and allow me to escape, please."

I remembered the last time that he gave a plea just like this – it was when Ryan had ripped his heart out and stomped all over it. I remembered how I resisted every single urge that I had, not wanting to crave into all those desires.

Those desires were there right now and the selfish side of me wanted to take over. However, he is the one that mattered right now as he was the one going through this. I had to keep him at the front. Was this different than before? Was it okay to give in this time?

It wasn't like this was the first time that we had been together. It wasn't like he was threatening to run back to someone should things be different. We were a couple in love together, and we deserved to experience every bit of that. This was just continuing that, right?

"Are you absolutely certain that's what you want, Chase?" I question as I couldn't just drop it all and go for it. What if he regretted it part way through, because he wasn't ready? What if he accused me of taking advantage of his emotions? What if I caused more pain? I wanted to be the comforting individual, not the person that made things harder.

"You told me nothing was going to change about us after what happened," he throws back in my face, and I remembered saying those words. That was about our feelings for each other and how much I cared for him. Fuck, that's why I couldn't just dive right in right now. "If that's the case, why aren't you just giving in?"

"I don't want you to regret it, or be mad at me for some reason incase this is the wrong decis-"

"Fuck Alex, we're in love. We've done it a bunch of times. What is different right now other than the fact that some bitch took advantage of me? You asked how you could help, and this is the solution. I want to feel loved. I want to feel cared for. I want to not think about someone taking my heart, taking advantage of it, stomping on it, and having their way with me..." I didn't need to look in his eyes to know where his emotions were as his fast paced sentences said it all. You could hear his voice breaking in those words. Desperation – to avoid the emotions, or to feel what he wanted, I didn't know. But fuck, it caused me a pain I didn't want to feel to contribute to the feeling.

"I love you, I care about you, I want to help you, but I don't want to do something that we regr-"

"Regret sleeping together? I'm sorry, but I thought we were in love with each other. I thought we went so far, hence why we got together and did everything together. I thought's that's why we were here together right now. I thought that's why I welcome you to my bed, showed you everything, taught you everything, and swore to tell you more. If I regretted anything with you, I think it would've shown by now. It's like you regre-"

"Don't put words or feelings in my mouth, because I don't regret a single moment with you, Chase. Why do you think I waited for months for you to come arou-"

"Oh, so now you won't give in during my time of need because you're mad about tha-"

"No, that's not why. Fuck! I know your emotions are all over the place. I know you're hurting right now. That's why I don't want to take advantage or do something that may hurt you." Gosh, I hated to fight. Maybe I should've just given into those desires after all because this felt 100 times worse. However, if we were going that road, I had to know for sure because I didn't want to fuck things up. But wait – here I probably fucked it up worse.

"You could never hurt me, make me regret, or be upset by what happened. That's why I asked you. I want to know what it's like to feel to be loved, held, assured, taken care of. I want to forget the shame, the pain, and the hurt that I am feeling. Fuck, I can't bare to tell you how much it hurts sometimes!"

By now, the eyes weren't just wet with tears. No, the tears were streaming down his face as he buried his head in the pillow. It was like everything that he had felt the past couple weeks was coming out all at once, because you could hear how heavy it felt.

Fighting or not, I knew I couldn't let him handle that alone, as I scooted over closer, wrapping both arms around him, pulling him as tight as I could to me, allowing those same tears to soak my shirt. It didn't matter anyway. I could change later.

"Let it go," I tell him as I rub his back, not letting up my grip any bit as I wanted to give him that assurance that he was looking for. The assurance so that way he could feel better, begin to move forward, and ultimately get what he wanted. "It's going to be okay, Chase. It's going to be okay."