Swallow Your Affection

Too Quiet

It's one thing, when Techno is yelled at.

Berated, shouted, hit, maimed-

You name it.

It didn't matter to him.

He was used to violence. War and death and blood- all of it was so dull for him.

But affection? Soft touches, quiet words, lingering glances-

He did not understand this battle field.

At all.

Friendships were always awkward for him, the topic of family was awkward for him- wanting to constantly follow someone around just to make sure that no one was bringing violence (his 'normal,' mind you) to their doorstep is awkward to him. One could summarize that entire thought as just wanting to protect someone, but no.

Techno doesn't protect people.

So of course, right now.

Settled among the blankets of his bed- he couldn't even close his eyes, much less go to sleep.

Because you were a hair inch from him, already peacefully asleep, and here he was, with his back turned, head against pillow, trying everything in himself to hold back from just up and leaving the bed.

Because he did want to leave the bed.

Not because he didn't want to be in the bed.

But because he had never had to have a moment in his life- never had a moment in his life- where he was here, and you were there, and you trusted him not to kill you in your sleep- and he totally could kill you- not that you'd actually die- but you could definitely experience death-

His heart had never been so loud in his ribcage--

Techno didn't just--.... softly accept things like this. He didn't. He absolutely just did not.

But why's he still here.

Why can't he stand up, and leave you sleeping---

BLOOD

BLOOD BLOOD

BLOOD

GO OUTSIDE-

NOW-

KILL

BLOOD-

Not to mention the voices.

He winced at how loud they were.

Unusually so.

Usually when he's around you, they latch onto their impression of you, screaming about hugs and affection, and 'buddies.'

But tonight- all they wanted was for Techno to get up.

To walk outside.

And to kill something.

They were angry.

Techno had been wronged by people.

People tried to hurt him- and Phil- and you- and Techno's head was being split in two with all the conflicting thoughts.

All he wanted was some peace and quiet- and some-

Fucking-

Peace of mind--

...

.

..

He froze.

..

Completely and utterly still.

..

Something had--

You-

Had touched him.

Rolling over, nuzzling your head into his back.

Surely for warmth. That's what you did- that's what you always do.

He's slept in the same bed as you before- but for some reason something was just different--

And now, with the intense awkwardness of not knowing how to be a functioning being who can accept affection, with millions of voices screaming at him, with- with--

An intense shudder of breath left him.

The voices were starting to latch on to you already.

'Hug buddy' was being mixed into the slew of 'Blood's and 'Kill's

He rolled over.

Carefully.

Slowly.

An inching twist of his torso until your head was resting limp near his chest.

He rose his hand.

Approaching your face with very much the same slowness someone would approach a distrustful cat.

Only you weren't some suspicious animal-- maybe you used to be-- but right now, here, with you in front of him, you were the epitome of trust.

He could rip you apart right now.

His palm settled on your cheek. Resting for a moment, face soft against the roughness of his hand.

He could make you regret ever trusting him.

He moved his hand upward, sweeping hair out of your face before breaking eyesight, fluttering his gaze up to look at the wall behind you instead.

Gods.

He just--

...

..

.

.

.

.

He doesn't know how to deal with you-

Yet somehow everytime you interact you give him that small little smile of yours, and that soft look, where your eyes bleed affection.

Affection that he just couldn't fucking swallow--

Affection he just couldn't possibly fathom.

His eyes flickered down to you as you nuzzle farther into him.

Then his gaze flickered back up to the wall.

And then down again, face feeling like it was getting hotter every second.

Gods-

This was a dangerous road.

The voices went quiet.

His own mind finally being the only thing to fill the silence-

His own mind was looking at you- seeing you staring up at him with those eyes of yours- affection pouring out-

Gods to taste your lips--

To feel your skin-

To drag a hand through your hair and make you keen--

He watched you, still buried in his chest- feeling a rumble of a growl building in his ribcage-

NOT GOOD NOT GOOD-

His eyes dart to the wall.

His face was burning--

What is wrong with him.

Why did he even picture those things.

Why would he want those things with you. You're his friend.

Friend??

Weren't you an acquaintance just awhile ago???

His eyes flickered to you against his will narrowing in on your lips again- before immediately looking back to the wall.

All he could picture was stealing your breath-- picture you under him--

Gods.

The silence in his head at that thought was harrowing.