𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 ♧ SeungJin

XIII

"I realized pretty early on that the who didn’t really matter so much. That anybody who listens to me, I end up loving them just a little."
Courtney Summers : Sadie

♤♡◇♧

I sat in the lunchroom, mostly alone even though I was sitting in a large group of people. Everyone that people thought I was friends with I was actually scared of, I mean, how could I not be? Being a closeted gay amongst a group of people that couldn't possibly hate your guts more.. I mean, it's obvious, really. Doesn't matter though because I'm not thinking about them right now, I'm looking across the lunch room at the table of boys I wish to be sitting with.

I don't know what it is, but they all seem so cool, so effortlessly popular – so much so they might not even realize how popular they are. They all just seem so nice and accepting, without a care in the world. Maybe I'm just jelouse of them, maybe I look up to them, maybe that's why I'm so desperate for Hyunjin to like me. They always sit there looking so perfect like they never fight and they've never even spoken a mean word to one another. I bet none of them are homophobic either...

I avert my eyes now, starting to feel like a creep for looking at them too long. Hyunjin isn't sitting with them yet, maybe he's just finishing work in the library, or talking with a teacher. I'm kind of scared to see him again, mostly because of what his sister told me—I know he has no idea I know all of those things but it still feels wrong for me to know them. Who cares if he was two timing girls back in America, or if he doesn't like people to see him cry. I couldn't care less. I shouldn't care less. But I do.

As I see him walk into the cafétéria I look down at my half eaten sandwich even though I know he probably wasn't even looking at me. I just don't want him to think I care is all.

♤♡◇♧

When I'm walking up to my lunch table I'm feeling a little bit guilty. I was wasting time at my locker trying to put this off for as long as possible, but I have to now. There was no permanent escape anyway.

I know I'm going to have to apologize for snapping at them and tell them that they just need to stop shipping me with Seungmin and then they'll make fun of me for being so mad about it and I might just get mad again.

No matter how it goes though I still reach the table, staring at how no one even batted an eye at me. It's not that this was unusual, just that it was too normal. I expected them all to quiet down and wait for me to apologize or get mad at them again, but I guess they didn't expect anything, because everyone just continued their conversations. I sat down in my usual seat, looking over at the people who didn't even seem to notice me.

I cleared my throat and some of the chatter stopped, but now I didn't know what to say, I didn't have a plan for how to do this. Jisung spoke instead, "What?" He asked as if nothing had even happened yesterday.

I fidgeted with my fingers, "I'm sorry for like, getting mad at you guys yesterday. I was overreacting and stuff." I kept my eyes trained on the table when no one said anything.

"I feel like you might still be overreacting. Hyunjin, you're apologizing like you ran over our dog. We don't care that you got annoyed." I recognized Chan's voice from a few seats away from me.

I looked up at him, my face falling from its guilty chokehold. "Oh.." was all I said.

I heard a standard Felix laugh, "You always make such a big deal out of when we fight. It doesn't matter that much Jin." He reached across the table and knocked me on the shoulder. I guess maybe I did sometimes make a big deal out of this stuff.

I was just scared I'd loose people. Fighting can tear up a relationship if you don't deal with it properly.

Suddenly I felt eyes on the back of my head. I turned around only to find Seungmin looking at me, but this time, he didn't look away. Instead, after a while I was the one to turn back around. Maybe he was gaining confidence since he infiltrated my house yesterday. Mi-Young probably told a bunch of stuff about me, probably lies.

She does that, only in a sisterly way though. She used to tell everyone, and I mean everyone, that I wet the he'd until I was 6. That was one of the most embarrassing times of my life and my mom had to give her a talk about privacy — she was only around 6 or 7 at the time though, you know, the age when children have no self control.

"You don't need to feel bad Hyunjin, we all know the only reason you got so defensive is because you know it's true." Minho patted my shoulder and I looked up at him with an annoyed look on my face.

"Knew what was true." I dared him to say it.

"That you and Seungmin have a thing for eachother." Changbin quickly hit Jeongin on the shoulder, scolding him for saying it again.

I groaned, "This is seriously so annoying." I picked up my bag off the ground and swung it over my shoulder, "It infuriated me to think that you guys are shipping me with that dipshit!" I yelled, pointing to where Seungmin was sat. I looked over and saw him, still, looking at me. By the way he was looking at me I knew he had heard what I said, even over the crowded cafétéria. For a moment I felt bad for insulting him, in front of all my friends none the less.

No matter how much I hate him, I guess it's still a shitty thing to say something like that about him to other people. It only made me feel more guilty when he looked away, down at his table.

I sighed, "Just stop, guys." I muttered before walking away from them. So much for eating lunch today.