𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 ♧ SeungJin

XXXIII

"We are liars. We are beautiful and privileged. We are cracked and broken."
E. Lockhart : We Were Liars

♤♡◇♧

As soon as I was out of that house I made my way to our car, sitting on the ground and resting my back up against it. I placed my head in my hands and brought my knees to my chest, sinking farther into the pool of guilt, pity, depression and anxiety that I constantly bathed in.

I shouldn't have said that stuff, not here not ever. What makes it worse is that I did it infront of the Hwang's—I definitely just messed up the entire business relationship if I hadn't already.

If Hyunjin hated me before he totally hates me now as well. I just threw him under the bus, telling all of them that we slept together. It was so ignorant of me to hurt him just to make myself feel better about lying—

I burried my head farther into my hands as I heard footsteps approach me on the pavement. "Go away." I said through uneven breaths. I wasn't sure who it was, maybe my mother coming to get mad at me. I wouldn't be surprised if she put me up for adoption after this.

"It's okay, dear." I heard my mother's voice say, but also Hyunjin's echoing behind it, remembering when he had called me 'my dear' earlier today. How it had sent tingles down my spine.

Stop thinking about that, idiot. Haven't I learned my lesson?

I saw out of the corner of my eye as she took a seat on the ground beside me, tucking her knees up, just like mine. She put her hand on my head, gently caressing my hair, "Why didn't you tell me you were dating Hyunjin?"

I sniffled, "Because I'm not." I cried, "We slept together one time, the night of the party, and then we were about to today.. when Mrs. Hwang found us.." I felt my cheeks heat up and I waited for her to get mad, or say something, but she didn't. She just waited for me to continue, so I did, "He actually hates me, and I say I hate him but I don't.. I got a crush on him. He's so perfect Umma, you know that? So stupid and pretty.."

"He hates you? Why?" She scooted slightly closer, leaning on me in a half hug, arm over my shoulder and cheek pressed to the top of my head.

I removed my face from my hands, tucking them into my chest and staring at the ground, "Because I'm so mean. I'm rude to everyone at school and I bullied his friends. Once I met him I stopped but.. he still hates me. He thinks im a terrible person and it seems like I can't change that, no matter how I try."

"Why were you bullying his friends?"

"I don't know.." I answered truthfully, "I got mixed in with the wrong crowds to try and protect myself from people finding out I was gay. Then they found out anyway and I was out casted.. now I have no friends."

"Hm.." she squeezed my shoulder tenderly, "But you have a crush on Hyunjin?"

My face heated up, "Yeah.. I tried not to, I swear, but he was so pretty and so kind to the people he cared about. He's just perfect."

There was a long silence while we sat there, my mom having nothing new to say for a while. "How did you school find out you were gay?"

I looked away from her, "One of my 'friends' took a photo of me and Hyunjin hooking up at that party and posted it online.." I explained, and her face grew worried. I knew what she was thinking though, "No, don't worry. It didn't show anything.. but it was pretty obvious he was... fucking me.."

"Can I see the picture?" She asked in a motherly way.

"Mm," I threw my head back, whining, "Umma—"

"I just want to see it, not in a weird way. I want to know what your dealing with here; if this is something I should be stepping in about."

I pulled my phone out of my back pocket, unlocking it and going to Instagram. It was easy to find the photo, considering they were all over everyone's feed. Before I showed the picture to her I put my thumb over my own face, not wanting her to see that stupid, pathetic look.

"Don't.. look at my face." I said, holding it out for her to see. She reached out, steadying the phone with her own hand. Her face went into one of pity, then sadness, then something that looked like guilt and finally into one of a sudden sort of saddened maturity.

"Ah.. baby.." she said softly as I took my phone back, "I'm so sorry." She pressed a tight kiss to the side of my head as I took a moment to stare at the picture myself. Everyone had seen this.. everyone.

Tears welled in my eyes again and I shut the phone off quickly, not wanting to look any longer. She continued to cradle me in her arms, as if I were still a small child. "I'm so stupid.." I muttered, "I'm so stupid to think that hooking up with him would ever be a good idea. For me, for him, for you. I've really made a mess of things.."

"No.." she said softly, "You haven't. I'm sure it won't harm the business, and if it does I won't blame you." But I know she will. Who else would there be to blame? "You think maybe you should tell Hyunjin how you feel? Or no."

I shake my head, "No, that would be pointless. I'd just seem like more of a cling than I already am." I sigh, "You should go back inside and try and salvage what you can of this business thing. If you see Hyunjin tell him I'm sorry."

"I'm not going to do any talking for you." She warned, "I'll let you stay out here for a little longer but you need to come back inside soon. Me and your father still need to finish our conversation with the Hwang's."

I shook my head immediately, "No, no, no," I protested, "I can't go in there now—not now not ever. They know I had sex with their son, and that I'm a loser, and that he hates me, and that I'm a terrible whiney bitch."

"You're not a whiney bitch." She smiled, getting off the ground, "Though you definitely whine. You get 20 minutes out here tops, understood?"

I sighed, sulking, "Understood." I say, wiping a way a few stray tears.