𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝𝐥𝐲 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲 ♧ SeungJin

XXXVIII

"The universe is seeming really huge right now. I need something to hold on to."
E. Lockhart : We Were Liars

♤♡◇♧

I know I probably deserved it for the way I treated them for so long, but it just made me feel so terrible. The way Hyunjin was able to control everything I did, and everyone was staring at me, and it was like they took pleasure in seeing me so uncomfortable, especially Hyunjin.

I want so badly to be their friend, to get closer with Hyunjin and to be part of the amazing relationships that they have with eachother but I just couldn't handle that.

If I was anybody else they would have been nothing but welcoming and kind, treating me like one of them — I've seen it. I guess this is my fault though, for setting myself up with a horrid reputation like that..

I was holding a book in my hands, sitting in my big comfy chair in my room trying to read, but my eyes just stared at the page, unable to concentrate on the words. There was just so much going on in my head I couldn't focus in the slightest.

I sighed and put my bookmark back in my book, setting it in my lap to give it a rest. I was going to close my eyes and maybe take a nap in the chair when there was a faint knock on my door. I already knew it was my mother, she's been trying to talk to me for days now.

Ever since what happened at the Hwang's house I've been avoiding her, coming up with excuses every time she tries to bring up the topic. I just feel so guilty for all of this, I mean, I very well could have ruined everything. I still might.

"Seungie?" She called in, using the nickname she had for me as a little boy, "We need to talk.. you can't avoid me forever." When I didn't answer she opened the door anyway, looking sheepish.

I looked at her for a moment before averting my gaze to the book sitting in my lap, "Hey."

"Hey."

"I don't want to talk about it."

I could feel her smile, her sweet maternal smile, spreading across her face in a quaint grin, "I know you don't, Seungie, but we need to and you know it."

I picked at the dry skin on my hand, where I pick at it when I get anxious. Normally I have a band aid over it because I keep making it bleed, but whatever. "Fine, then just say what you need to say. Quickly."

She paused a moment before clicking the door shut and moving to take a seat in the chair opposite to mine. She curled her legs up and rested onto the arm and I knew she was preparing for a long conversation. Dammit. "Tell me, how much do you like him."

"What do you mean."

"How much do you like Hyunjin," she repeated, "On a scale of one to ten."

I shrugged, thinking about it for a moment. Ten means 'would literally die for' and one means 'literally hates them', "Maybe.. seven?" I said it more like a question but she took it as an answer.

"How do you know he doesn't like you back?" This question kind of set me off guard. How did I know he didn't like me back? Well..

"He just doesn't." He muttered, "I can tell from the way he looks at me, like he pities me. Ever since he saw me cry I think he thinks im this miserable animal that needs to be comforted."

"I'm sure he doesn't." She shook her head, "From what I could tell he seemed to like you, maybe not in a romantic way, but as a friend?"

I pursed my lips slightly, taking a moment to ponder the suggestion before shaking my head, "I don't know.. he said he would forgive me if I apologized for how I treated his friends, but then when I did he seemed to treat me even shittier. I can't win with him."

"Maybe he needs a little more time to decompress about it all.. I'm not sure the context of how bad you treated those boys though."

Seungmin bit the inside of his cheek, "I dunno.. I hit stuff out of their hands and called them names when I saw them. It sounds like elementary bullying but just.. more grown up." He shrugged, "I just wish I had never done it. That way maybe Hyunjin would have welcomed me into his friend group instead of hating me immediately."

"You want to be part of their friend group?" She asked.

"I mean.." I thought about it, "Yeah.. I do. I just want to have what they have; a sturdy relationship that doesn't make you feel like complete shit. They're so nice to eachother and they laugh and make jokes, and they treat other people good too.. just not me. But even when they don't like me they don't even try to say anything mean about me being gay— they're just so.. accepting. Perfect."

"No one's perfect." She tried to say, but I knew better. You know how I know thats a lie? Because Hyunjin is perfect. Stupid, pretty Hyunjin. And I'm just pathetic.

"Yeah, I'm definitely not perfect." I laughed.

"Mm, well.." she started to say, "I didn't mean you. You're perfect."

"You only say that because you're my mom."

"Maybe I am, but does that make it any less true?" She asked, "I'm obviously not impressed to find all of this, but I'm so glad that you're trying to fix it and taking initiative. I'm proud of you."

"You shouldn't be." I muttered, trying not to let her hear but she did anyway.

"Well I am, and I guess you'll just have to accept that."

I smiled to myself a little bit but let it drop again. I didn't deserve a mother like her.