City Undertaker || Bang Chan Mafia AU

83: Show Yourself

"You know, you can at least help pack," Sana huffed disapprovingly at Lex who was sprawled face down on the bed. Sana was folding Lex's clothes and stacking them neatly in a suitcase. 

"I didn't ask you to, besides, there is no rush," Lex retorted, muffled by the blanket. It wasn't her fault that Sana came in and started sorting through her belongings of her own free will. 

Though Lex had long come to accept her mistake of leaving, she was second guessing following the address. The only place she felt comfortable in was Jeongin's room. No one else bothered her here apart from Sana. She almost wished one of the members would come to her and tell her everything was okay. It was harder for her to face the guilt of what she did on her own.

"There absolutely is a rush! Mark is leaving in less than a week so get your ass moving. You know you want this so act like it."

"I am, okay? I'm just having trouble- I just think that-" Lex closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, planning out her next words. "For the most part, I want to go, I miss them so damn much. Another part of me doesn't want to give a fuck and thinks it's easier if I stay put where I am."

"This is the last thing that you'll need to do. Think about it, you're free from the burdens of this country. You'll be away from the city again in New Zealand with your boyfriend and best friends."

"Do you think I can still call him that?" Lex asked suddenly, her eyes wide. "They may never forgive me."

"Are you willing to take that risk?"

"... Maybe."

"What are you truly worried about?" Sana questioned. At first, Lex thought she was being patronising, but when she realised the other woman was being genuine, she rolled over.

"At first I had felt responsible for Jeongin's death, so I ran away like a coward. Now, I have to face them after abandoning them at their most vulnerable state. I would like to believe they wouldn't care, but I know it's not true. Every single one of them has become family to me and I've hurt them in unforgivable ways." Lex threw an arm over her eyes and sucked in a deep breath. Her stomach churned every time she thought about her abandonment. 

"That's heavy..." Sana packed the last shirt she was holding before sitting on the bed beside Lex, suddenly feeling sympathetic.

"I know. I don't want your pity but- I don't know, it just feels better getting it off my chest."

"No, I understand." Sana laid down beside Lex and they both stared up at the ceiling. "If it helps I'm here for you."

"I know, I really appreciate it. I don't deserve it but thank you."

Sana smiled, even though Lex couldn't see it. "Just promise you'll call me?"

"I promise, and I mean it." Lex declared. It sent a pang through her heart when she thought of the promises she made to Chan, to stay with him. Only to break them when his heart was already fragile. She really was terrible.

"That's all I need." Sana rolled off the bed and resumed her packing. "And with Chan, he'll forgive you. Slowly but surely, he loves you, you know that right?"

"Doesn't mean he'll take me back..."

"You have better opportunities over there. Do you really wanna live like this?"

Lex avoided commenting that she'd rather not live but stopped herself. "Guess not."

"So go after them, that's something you won't regret."

~

After Sana had left, Lex fixed herself a cup of instant noodles. The weather was starting to cool down as they crossed into April. Since she cut her hair short, there was nothing to warm the back of her neck anymore. She remembered it was the best time to ring fight, it heated her amid a brawl.  Lex covered her noodles with foil and let them sit on the desk by the corner. Since Sana packed most of her clothes, she may as well do the rest. There were still essentials and mementos that she had packed absentmindedly the night she left, and unpacked when she arrived at Jeongin's flat.