IN THE SILENCE: a Steve Rogers Story

32

TW abortions

"Alright ms Thomas. This is only gonna sting for a bit. The machine is loud. Do you want music?"

I was looking at the ceiling. Steve was holding my hand.

"No I'm okay." I whispered.

"Alright."

The doctor got situated. I felt the pain sting me.

I breathed and held Steve's hand tighter. He set his head on our hands.

"It's okay. You're doing good." He whispered.

I closed my eyes. I shut the world out, the sound of the machine, Steve for that matter. I just stayed quiet.

Something about being in my own thoughts was comforting in a moment like this. One of the most life changing things. It needed to happen for my health though. I could either do this, or end up killing myself.

Maybe someday I'll try. Like when I know that Steve and I are in a stable spot, or when we're not avengers anymore. One day we won't be, I hope.

I could feel Steve kissing my hand. I just thought about him. His smile. His eyes. His contagious laugh, which was rare for him to laugh, but when it happened it made me happy. His muscles. The way that he would hold me while we slept, his body heat always warming me up. I was always cold.

His cooking. Or his attempt to cook at least. The way that he was caring with kids that he met on the street. He would never make me feel bad about my body or looks. He was respectful. He gave the best aftercare.

These were all things that I loved about him...

"Okay. You're done aria." Steve said. I opened my eyes and looked around. The doctor was taking off his gloves.

"You're good now. I'm leaving you with some pain meds for the next few days. If you need anything medically or mentally I'm going to write down a few places."

I nodded softly as I sat up. Steve was helping me.

"Let's go home."

————

Steve was driving me back to our new compound. We were in upper New York now. It had been quiet the way home. I didn't know how to feel.

I had stomach cramps. I kinda felt like I was on my period.

Steve was holding my hand. Somehow it was all the comfort I needed. Nothing more, nothing less.

He kissed my hand softly. I looked over at him.

"Who all is at the compound?" I whispered.

"Everyone but Clint and thor."

"Oh. Okay."

"We can go straight to our room. You look tired anyways."

I nodded.

I wanted to be left alone solely for the purpose that if anyone asks how I was, I would start bawling.

So for now I would just go to sleep. Right in the car until we got back.

————

I woke up in bed. Steve was next to me, reading.

Right as I woke, I wanted to go right back to sleep.

Steve saw me sit up. He set his book down and pulled me into him. I rested my head on his chest and held in my tears.

"Hey." He whispered. "Come here."

He pulled me onto his lap and held me tight. I sobbed into his neck as he hugged me close.

Probably ten minutes went by. Little 'it's okay's we're heard here and there.

In that moment, I was pretty sure I wanted to die. Just to lie flat and die. Nothing felt real.

I felt like I killed a part of myself, but also a part of Steve. Not that I really identified it as a human being, but those are parts of us. I don't know.

More mentally parts of us. Not physically. I just felt weird.

Steve rubbed my back as he held me. I could tell that he was worked up too.

If we could've had the child we would've. I could guarantee that.

Wrong time. Wrong mentally. Wrong physically.

I couldn't explain it.

I pulled away after a bit and looked at Steve. His eyes were red. Silent tears escaped him.

I watched as he lifted over his head the dog tags that I once wore. He put them back around my neck and pulled my hair out from them. He rested his forehead against mine.

"I do love you Steve." I whispered.

"I know." He said. "And I've realized that you're trying your absolute best and I love you for that. You're learning, and you're going through hell and back for me."

His voice was breaking. Something about that broke my heart.

Two souls were now broken. Both of our hearts were broken.

But in this darkness. In this silence between us, we were going to overcome. We are gonna make it.

I pulled him into a small kiss and sighed.

"Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. I want everything with you. You're right when you say that I only focus on you, because I know that if I don't have you, I'll be broken for good. So if I know that you're okay, I'm okay. That's why I spend all my time on you. You're my everything Steve." I whispered.

He let out a sob and pulled me in. I hugged him tight.

We were lonely together. I was okay with that.