Chapter 24: Streber

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(HUGE SUICIDE AND S/H WARNING I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH)

I don't think I've ever cried around Kevin before. Well, other than that one time I was drunk, but that was because I had a migraine.
I hated that Kevin had to see me like this. I don't need him to worry about me. Even if I worried that I was going to do something I regretted.
I had never prepared myself for dealing with losing someone to this. I never thought it'd happen. I thought that if anyone was going to be lost, it would be me. But I never acted on those thoughts. Because of my boyfriend and my sister. I had to live for them, but now...
I don't know if I can keep myself happy.
Mom and Dad left to go to the temple. The nearest one was way out of town, so they'll probably spend the night away.
I didn't know Kevin would be here. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity. But I can't do that now.
I realized that I couldn't be the second kid in the family to take their own life. And I couldn't leave Evelyn as an only child.
And I certainly couldn't die on Kevin.
After what felt like hours, I looked up at Kevin. The only thing I managed to get out was, "Please don't leave me..."
I meant a hundred things.
Please never break up with me.
Please don't die.
Please don't hurt yourself.
Please don't leave me alone.
Please stay over for at least the night.
Kevin softly, yet sadly smiled. "I promise, I won't...I love you, Streber..."
It was then I realized we hadn't properly told each other that we loved each other yet. We said we were in love with each other at the party last year, but we haven't had a proper, "I love you.".
"I-I love you too, Kevin.." I said, before melting into his arms again in tears.
Arms.
I noticed a few scars.
Did...Kevin...?
I didn't ask immediately. I decided it wouldn't be the best time. I could hardly speak, and I think I'd just about drown both of us in my tears if I brought up what I thought happened.
So here I am. Vulnerable and weak. Crying in my probably-suicidal boyfriend's arms.
I can't lose him to this too. I don't think I could handle losing two people I loved with all my heart to suicide.
After a brief moment of association, I grab onto Kevin's arm. I look at a few of the fresh scars and back into his eyes. I can't believe I didn't notice this before.
It felt unreal. My heart was sinking. Sinking into a depth not even God could reach if he tried.
Not Kevin...
Not my sweet, loving, kindhearted Kevin...
Please...

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