The Easy Way Out

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Kayson's pov
July 7, 12:00 am

I'm numb. I officially get what Davina meant when she said she felt numb.

She said 'I just need time.' But at what cost? Because no matter the price paid, we're both hurting. I can't say I get where she's coming from. I get nothing about it. Nothing but regret, pain, and sadness. I wish she'd just believed in herself. In me. In us. She blames herself for anything bad in her life. She never takes the responsibility of something good in her life, only smiles and waves while it passes by. She knows bad things happens, but she thinks everything is only bad when she's in it. My life? It's the opposite. I feel like I have a lump in my throat everyday, because she's the only good in my life. I don't sleep anymore, because she's the only good in my life. My temper is short and my anger is huge, because she's the only good in my life. I don't know who I am anymore, because she was the only good in my life.

I still plan on going to Russia in a month or two, but I was going to do that anyway. I've got work just as well as Davina does. Only difference is, she's my boss. She's my fucking boss. I have no choice but to sit in a chair at a meeting with her. I have no choice but to let her tell me to kill someone. No fucking choice but to sit there and watch her grow without me. Without me kissing her forehead for support. Without me hugging her for comfort. Without me being the reason she's smiling these days.. I try my hardest to just let it go by, but it's been two months, and it's getting no easier. If anything it's just getting harder and harder.

Before, when she left and just disappeared. I knew she was still my girl. I knew that she still wanted to be with me. Now? I have no idea if she ever wants to see me again at all. I have no idea whether she's doing better without me or not. All I do know.. is that I can't breathe the same knowing she wouldn't answer my calls if I tried to. I can't smile the same knowing she could be happy with another person. I can't be happy knowing we may never be together again. I can't imagine a world without her now that I've had her once. I wait for her though. I wait for her just like she told me not to. I wait for her in case she calls me, telling me she can't live another second without me. I wait for her because I know she would do the same if the roles were reversed.

Willow and Xander have been in communication with Davina, but any time I enter the same room as a phone call from Davina, Willow or Xander hang up the phone. I try asking about her, but all I get is a 'how are you?' I haven't talked to Xander in days, Willow in weeks. I stay to myself these days. When I'm working I work alone. When I'm eating, I eat alone. When I workout, I do it alone. When I can get any sleep at all, I do it in Davina's bed. It may sound creepy, but the only other person I loved this much, is dead. She's dead and there's nothing I could've done to fix it. I can still fix this. It may take years, but I will fix it. I will get Davina back. The same way I wish I could get my mother back. The same way my mother would want me to get Davina back.

"Kayson!" Xander's loud voice breaks through the thoughts in my head. I drop my forehead onto the punching bag, closing my eyes tightly. "The punching bag isn't going to fix your problems. Go fix them yourself." I rip the boxing gloves off my hands and throw them somewhere in the room, not moving my head from the bag. "Fuck off." I utter, my breathing ragged and uneven. I run a hand through my hair and tug at the ends, getting more frustrated by the second. "Absolutely fucking not, Kayson. You need to get out this goddamn hole you're in and you need to go see Davina." He yells, sounding furious. I hang my arms over the top of the bag, leaning my whole body on it. My emotions grow stronger and then I break. "I CAN'T, XANDER!" Every emotion I've been holding in breaks out all in one second. My whole body trembles and my face contorts in the way I wish it never had.