The Easy Way Out

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Davina's pov
August 2nd, 10:00 a.m.

It's been a few days now. I've gotten appointments scheduled. My midwife says things look good. My doctor too. They're saying it's weird how well it actually looks right now. They're saying it's a miracle that I've carried not one, but two babies this far along. Things are going so good that it seems suspicious. It seems like shit is about to go downhill, and fast. I've never been one to be optimistic though, I could be in my own head.. or it could be true. Kayson ran to the office the day after he got here, saying 'You don't move an inch'. I get why. He's scared to be let down by something my body is in control of, so he wants me to take extra precaution. I still need to do my job though, I've done it everyday for the past few months already. Why stop now?

My depression is getting worse, but I have a feeling it's due to my anxiety. I'm so freaked out by these things happening to me, they run through my head for as long as I'm awake. Could even be there when I'm asleep, I don't know. Kayson wasn't lying though. When he said 'I'm not leaving your side for as long as I'm alive'. He's nonstop calling my phone asking if I'm okay. Asking if he needs to pick up anything. Doing anything and everything he can to be there for me.. and it's only been a few days. My dad says he needs to talk to us, Kayson included. Though, he said he only needs Kayson there to be the one I fall back on.  He also says I'm going to ignore him for the rest of my life for the words he's gonna say to me. As if my anxiety wasn't bad enough.. he does this.

My mind works like a machine most days. What I mean by that is, I have a specific time for certain things, I do things in a specific routine, and only that. I seem to be more interested with the schedule of things than I am with anything else. I'm scared to break the routine, I'm terrified of not being in control of my own things, and I'm absolutely horrified by last minute things happening. So when my dad told me this morning, that he needed time out of my day for a few words.. it made me crazy. I don't know why it's this way, I don't know why I'm this way. It just kind of happened over time, scared me half to death when it did. I've also got a really bad dissociation issue, where I can go hours, days, sometimes months, without realizing just exactly what I'm doing. I do it a lot. I'll split, get angrier than the average anger issued person, dissociate, then everyone will lose me for a while.

Kayson has been the victim of my mental health, many, many times. I hate that I have to admit that, because I never want that. I only want to give him what he needs and deserves, not this. This sorry excuse for a human that is, Davina Falix, is not what I wanted for Kayson. I was diagnosed with Depression at the very young age of five, scared to death of how that may affect everyone around me. Then, a year later, I got diagnosed with Anxiety, not knowing what that meant at that time. I was only seven years old when I attempted to kill myself for the first time, because earlier that day I was told I had too many problems to live with, by the same person who was to blame for it. At eight, I was diagnosed with Bi Polar Disorder, ADHD, and ADD. I was so confused, scared to death of what this meant for me, so scared of what little Kayson thought of me at this point. He was my best friend, through everything I can remember. Ten years of age is when Borderline Personality Disorder was brought into my life, I was told to suck it up and that it was 'no big deal' by the same woman that was causing me the problems I have.

"You're not going to die, Davina. Just another problem to add to the list. Suck it up." I cried and cried, all through that night. Kayson was there the night it happened. That was the first night my mother made and attempt to end my life, 'so I didn't have to' so she could 'do me a favor'. Kayson was wiser and older than me, so he told me things, and I believed them. "I will get you out of here one day, Faye Faye. We can runaway and never come back. I pinky promise. Don't cry, please. I'll always come back for you, okay? Please, don't take the easy way out of this."
And then he didn't come back after that.