THE OTHER BROTHER
CHAPTER 54
AMANDA
I believe I had a fair share of my heartbreak. It's me who forced things down on Skhosane but I am the one who got burnt in the crossfire. I am Jesus carrying the cross of everyone's sins. This is a lesson for me that I should never in my wildest dreams love a man more than I love myself. It's been months since me and him apart. I don't want to lie and say I don't miss him. I miss him every day, but we talk regularly. We still make phone calls and video calls. Checking up on each other has been our routine. This is the attention I wanted from him from the get-go, but he held backwards. I am not complaining. Maybe in the future it will be better - I can still assure myself that I am confused. Sighs! School has been school, nothing much changed. I am standing outside the gate waiting for Khanyi. I have to do this now or forever hold my peace. I have been prolonging this for as long as I can remember. A car drops her off at the gate. I take a deep breath and sigh in nervousness. She makes her way to where I am. She is glowing and seems to be happy. I miss her, I don't want to lie. Looks like I miss a lot of people.
"Khanyi." I call but she proceeds with her journey. Her eyes are fixed on the ground. "Khanyi!" This time I shouted. She stops and turns. She looks at me with a bored expression. That hurts but I will grow wings and apologies from the depth of my heart.
"Amanda." Even her tone is not as welcoming as I would wish it to be.
"Can we talk?' I look at her with pleading eyes. She looks at her wrist watch and sighs.
"I have a class within fifteen minutes." Fifteen minutes is not what I need from her. I want all of her time.
"I need more than fifteen minutes." I say.
"Then I don't know." She walks away leaving me standing. Wow! That was a tough one. Definitely not the Khanyi I know. I proceed with my journey to my classroom.
The lessons seem to be moving so slowly. I don't want to be here.
"I will need you guys to draft a business proposal and a presentation. You are dismissed." The lecture tells us. I am disturbed by the scratching of the chairs and then I notice that the lesson is over. Wait what business proposal and what presentation? I slowly stand up looking all lost and follow the others. What the hell am I do in school if my mind will be wandering everywhere. I stand by her class and wait for her. I kick stones just to pass time. Here I am rehearsing what I want to tell her. Fuck this shit. I will just sing whatever is in my heart. Finally! They are out. I look at my watch - time has passed. There she is heading towards the gate. When did she pass by me? I know she must have seen me and decided to pass by. I ran after her trying to catch up. I pant grabbing her hand, but she harshly yanks it. I am hurt yet again. But I understand.
"What is your problem, Amanda?" she asks, already looking annoyed. I will not back down from this.
"To talk. I want my old friend back. I know I messed up, but I miss you." I speak. She just stares at me blankly and folds her arms across her chest.
"I am extremely sorry for my behaviour. I know I haven't been a good friend at all, but..." She cuts me short with a scoff. She shakes her head now.
"You claim you haven't been a good friend you say. Not only that. Amanda, you stabbed me in the back. You had Skhosane as your imaginary husband from that start till the end of our relationship. Not that I had a problem with it. I was just heartbroken that you failed to be open with me and tell me your feelings! I thought we shared everything, but I guess I was wrong." She half shouts.
"I was afraid, okay! Afraid that maybe you will judge me or something."
"Am I not judgingthu now?" she asks with her eyebrows snapped.
"You are and I don't care. You can judge me all you want I really don't care Khanyi. I want you. I want my friend back. I had a miscarriage and I needed you, but I was afraid to reach out. I know you must hate me for what I did but I am failing to carry the guilt with me. I have been meaning to come to you but every time I try to approach you, I just get cold feet."
"You were pregnant?" Why is she focused on that part. I feel my heart beating rapidly. I can tell that it's the end of it all. Our relationship dead.
"Yes, but the baby did not make it." I say and leave a devastated sigh. She looks at me without saying a word.
"Wow. I don't know what to say. It's just overwhelming for me." She scans my face. I see her face softening up. "You know very well how I take betrayal. I expected a lot from you. Loyalty is what I want and nothing else. How am I going to trust you again after all this?" She asks.
I kneel before her. "I will do anything. I will prove my loyalty to you. I just miss you so bad that it hurts at times." She breathes heavily and turns to look on the side. Her tears are falling. I quickly stood up and pulled her into a hug. Ow God. How I have missed holding this soul.
"I'm sorry Khanyi. I am deeply sorry." I speak. She steps back and rushes off. I will give her all the time that she needs. I really broke her. I did not mean to in any way. The heart lead me in this direction.
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Trying to study but everything I put in mind just jumps out of the window. I close the book and toss it aside. I lay on my back and rested a bit. The more I think about her the more I realize that I fucked up. I stand up and lift the mattress. I need to get rid of all these things. I need to get rid of Skhosane. Everything that has to do with him. From now onwards I am moving forward. I looked at my phone and it's a text from Skhosane. He is asking how I am and how I am coping. I just toss my phone aside and take a deep sigh. Change of thoughts I will leave things as they are. Once I truly know that he is out of my system, only then will I get rid of him. This stress hovering over me is not good enough for my health honestly. I have a lot to live for other than holding on to a man that sees no sees worth in me. My focus now is trying to pursue my friendship with Khanyi. I still have a long way to go, but I know all in the end it will shine and be bright for the both of us.
