If Only You Knew (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 32.

I couldn't sleep yesterday, I kept waking up wanting to go check up on Louis but I mean I obviously couldn't do that.

I was currently siting on my bed just thinking about everything..I had already taking a shower and brushed my teeth all that hygiene stuff, cause Liam said Simon wanted to see us for the tour and I was honestly dreaded it, cause that meant I had to tell Simon and the boys that I would be leaving to my mom's.

"Harry come down we're leaving." Liam yelled from downstairs.

I lazily got up and walked down the stairs to see all the boys ready and they all looked really good. Well expect for Louis don't get me wrong Louis looked beautiful as always but he looked so tired and worn down and his eyes were red...and I couldn't help but feel a pain in my heart knowing I was the cause of it all.

We were now in the van and I was sitting next to Niall...I haven't talked to Niall really since that night that I tried to committee suicide, so why not start now?

"Hey Niall."

"Oh, hey Harry. Nice to know we're talking again." He laughed.

"Yeah I know, sorry about that Ni I've just had a lot on my mind and you know I haven't been really enthusiastic about anything."

"It's okay Haz, no need to apoligize." he smiled.

He suddenly came closer and whispered in my ear, "When we get home, we are going to have a long talk yeah?"

I just nodded.

We suddenly came to a stop and I knew we were here. We got off of the car and we started walking towards Simon's office. When we got there, we sat down well expect Louis he was standing up.

"So boys you're probably wondering why I wanted you guys to come, and the reason why is because of your tour. We had agreed to start the tour in a week, but the fans have been very excited and we think the best thing to do is to start it earlier which would be in three days."

"But they fans have already bought the tickets and they would have to buy new ones..and that wouldn't be fair." Zayn said.

"No need to worry Zayn, we took care of that. There is nothing else to worry about guys, we took care of everything. You guys just need to be ready for it. Any comments, request, or anything?"

Well it's now or never.

"Um..Simon well about that...i'm not going to be able to go on the tour.."

"What! What do you mean you won't be able to do the tour, Harry you're obviously going to do the tour, One Direction is not One Direction without all the five members there. Harry what the fuck are you thinking?" He was starting to raise his voice and I can tell he was getting mad.

"Simon i'm really sorry but I already made up my mind and I'm going to my mom's and I don't know when i'll be back. And I know it's wrong for me to do and give you this last minute notice but I just need to get away, I need to clear up my head and get away from all of this, from everything."

All the boys were gobbed smacked and they all stared at me wide eyes... Louis looked like he was going to start crying in any second.

"Well what are we supposed to tell the fans Harry? They'll be devastated and are you sure you just can't but it in the past and suck it up?" Simon asked a little calmer now.

"No Simon I'm sorry, but I just can't handle all of this crap anymore. I need to get away from here, away from the boys, from the music, from everything before I do something i'm going to regret."

I suddenly felt all the boys come up and hug me excpet of-course Louis..

"Well Harry if I can't change your mind then I guess there's nothing to do then to let you be."

"Thank you so much Simon, thank you." He just nodded.

" Is t-this meeting o-over?" Louis asked his voice cracking in the end.

I looked over at him concerned and his eyes were glassy and I just wanted to go hug him but I couldn't.

"Yes it is, Louis are you okay?"

"Y-yeah i'm f-fine, um i'll b-be in the c-car."

He ran out of the office and all the boys gave me sympathetic looks.. we walked to the car and I what I saw broke my heart more than it already was.

He was sitting next to the window his forehead pressed against it sobbing and crying. He was mumbling sorry's and please don't leave's.

"Hey Louis, everything is going to be alright." Liam assured.

"N-no it i-isn't, h-he is l-leaving b-because of m-me. B-because I'm an id-idiot and I m-messed every-everything up."

Did you hear that? Yeah that was my heart breaking into pieces at the sight of the boy I loved crying and sobbing, saying those words.

"I'm pretty sure it's for another reason Lou, don't blame yourself."

Louis just shook his eyes and pulled away from Liam and stared back at the window.. I blinked to keep the tears from falling out of my eyes. My poor BooBear... I can see how much it's affecting him.

But you can't back down now you idiot... you're almost finished with our plan. Don't ruin it now.

I know, I know..

We got home and I raced to my room.. I started packing all of clothes and everything I needed. Until Niall came into the door.

"Harry we need to talk about this right now."

"Okaay Niall, come sit down and we'll talk about all this crap."

"What the fuck is going on Harry?"

" Remember that day I went into the shop and confronted Louis about talking shit about me and I told him I loved him?" Niall nodded.

"Well when I ran off, I ended up in some place that I don't even remember and then some guy named Mike came up to me and acted all friendly and he wanted to show me something in the alley and me being stupid enough said yes..and then he started touching me and he started kissing me and it felt so wrong Niall, I felt gross."

"Oh Harry.." He wrapped his arms around me and I knew he was crying, he started rubbing circles on my back.

"That's why I came back only in my boxers...I started cutting again.. and I know it's wrong and it's not going to help the situation but there is nothing you can do or say to change my mind Niall, I'm still going to keep cutting but i've also been keeping a journal...because cutting isn't enough anymore. And with Louis I just can't anymore I promised myself that I was going to forget about and make myself think we never met.. even though it breaks my heart every-time..but I just can't bear with the pain anymore and I need to get away Niall before I do something I will not be proud of."

Niall's face was flushed and he just kep hugging me, while both of us were crying. It felt good to get things off of my chest to be honest.

"Well Harry if there is nothing to make you change your mind then go ahead...but let me tell you something as much as this is hurting you it's hurting Louis I know he doesn't deserve your forgiveness and I'm not asking you to forgive him but he is a mess Harry. Yesterday he went to go sleep in Zayn's room and he didn't get any sleep and kept going down to the kitchen and he was just sobbing and he wouldn't stop. He kept mumbling and whispering sorry again, and again, and again. And I don't think you leaving is helping but if that's what you feel is right then..by all means go ahead and go."

I didn't say anything..what was I supposed to say my Louis was hurt. I just sobbed until I felt nothing.

Niall asked if I wanted him to stay but I said no, I needed to take a shower and clear my head.

After I finished showering...and after I finished cutting, I grabbed my journal.

Dear Journal,

You're asleep and i'm sad, I wanted to stay up all night and talk to you about your day and why the sky is blue. Everything used to be so easy with us, our words flowed back and fortherd steadily. When I felt broken you used to mend me with your words when I had nothing to say, you occupied the silence. You filled the gap inside me, in a way that made me forget I was ever incomplete. I'd tell you all of this, but you're asleep.

-Harry.