The Lawson Boys

4.6

Valerie's P.O.V.
This might be difficult to read, you can read until she starts to change if you want to but afterwards involves self harm.

When I was 4 years old I knew how I wanted my life to pan out. I would grow up and get married, have 2 kids, go to college and that would be my happily ever after.

If my 4 year old self could see me now, I wonder what she would say. She probably wouldn't recognize me and she would most definitely hide behind me if Carson came around. I was a shy kid. But she would also sit down and ask me to tell her stories of the future and my life. She would ask me about Carson and she would compare my life to a fairy tale. Even though, it isn't even close to being a fairy tale.

I finally finished the list which surprised me, I thought it would be another one of my unfinished projects. I decided on:
James
Isaac
Jesse
My parents
Carson's parents
Harper
Robin
Janie
Carson's biological dad
My grandma and grandpa
My great grandpa and great grandma
Carson's grandparents
My cousin Lika
And
Rowan

So 19 people, that's enough for me. Carson might invite a few more people but I doubt it. It took me an hour and 30 minutes to come up with that whole list.

I put my the pen back in the metal tin and noticed the chewed tip. Folding the paper in half and tucking it into the desk drawer I got up and stretched. Yawning before I shut Pandora off and walked out of the room, leaving the doors open behind me. Making my way to my dresser which held my tv up in my bedroom I opened a small drawer and pulled a pad out. Shuffling over to my bathroom and changing which felt amazing.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket again and called Robin.

"Hey, do you want to help me pick out decorations for the wedding?"

"Yeah sure! I will meet you at your house."

I debated on whether I should change or not by pacing around my room. I figured I would put on a pair of black leggings and a white shirt that was split open in the back, so you could see my bra.

I slid the thin black material over my legs and pushed the thought aside that my thighs were too fat to be wearing these. But when I put my shirt on and saw the open flap in the back I couldn't help but start to cry. I noticed how you couldn't see my spine and that killed me. I took a couple deep breaths and walked over to the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror as I fixed my hair.

"I know that if someone walked in here right now they would think I'm crazy but I need to say this. Nobody is perfect Valerie, you will always have a little fat and you can either dwell on it and go about it the unhealthy way. Or you can be healthy about it, eat salad and go to the gym. I know the unhealthy way seems easier and if I'm being honest it is easier. But you have so many people that care about you and you can't starve yourself because they would all be heartbroken. I'm not sure what the point of this was because I know you won't listen. But, please try."

I closed my eyes and felt a small tear drop onto my lip. I wiped it away and turned to walk out of the bathroom and climb into my bed. I can honestly say that I feel defeated.

I stared up at the white ceiling and set my hand over my stomach, tracing my hip bones. Thinking silently, I wish I could do this while I was standing up. My lips felt dry and my tongue darted out to wet them. I grabbed my phone from next to me and felt tears group in my eyes.

"Hey Robin, don't bother coming by. I won't be here when you do, I'm sorry. Tell Carson that I'm sorry, that I'm really really sorry and that I love him. But you guys will all move on and find someone to replace me, tell my parents that they couldn't have done anything different. Because you can't fix something that has lost some of its pieces. I lost some of my pieces. I love you and I want to thank you for helping me get through highschool. Tell Janie I'm sorry I lashed out at her and that I hope she can find a good maid of honor. Wish Isaac luck for his wedding. Tell Jesse to be brave for James and give him a hug for me when he wakes up. But Harper, tell Harper I will miss him."

I sent the message and turned my phone off, throwing it to the ground. It didn't crack but it didn't turn on either. Which in my mind meant that she didn't care. I walked to the bathroom and closed the door, locking it and twisting the faucet until it squirted water into the ceramic tub. Once it was almost completely full I climbed in, not bothering to turn the water off. I pushed myself under the water and held still by gripping the sides of the tub. My brain was screaming at me to get out but I couldn't bring myself to do it. All my memories slowly started flashing into my view. Making me smile under the water. Which made water flow into my mouth and I started to choke. My eyes closed automatically and my body started shaking due to the lack of oxygen. I thought about a memory which was one of my favorites and could get me out of the tub but my body said no. I could've fought but there really was no point.

My hands slowly started sliding off of the edge of the tub and they plopped into the water. The door handle to the bathroom shook and it broke open. The wood collapsing the the ground but I couldn't open my eyes, it was like they had been glued shut.

"Oh god Valerie. What have you done?" The voice quivered. But I couldn't decipher whether it was a girls voice or a boys voice.

Oh god, what have I done?

If you read please vote. If you don't. Don't read. Tell me what you think! Did you enjoy this chapter? Are you enjoying the story?

Hi guys, sorry I know it's shorter. And it's a sad chapter, and some people might be thinking 'she's annoying how she's always complaining and she hates herself and blah blah blah.' But don't. You don't know how she feels or how it feels for that matter. You never know what someone is going through so all you can do is be there for them. I would apologize for another late update but I feel like I'm going to be doing that a lot so I won't bother. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. And I have decided to take chapter 3.5 down for good.

All the love,

Sparkling Beverage🍹