Chapter 45 - In which I set Pandora's box on fire

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It's as if time has slowed down so that each second feels like eternity. All I can think about is the look I got from him just before he vanished from the room. Before he decided that I was not worth hearing an explanation from. Before I could even process the accusations I'm receiving. 

He just disappeared. 

I purse my lips together and ball my hands into fists. It's as if I think staring at the empty door will make him reappear. It hurts. I can't believe this is happening but for some reason I can't shake the shattering feeling that seems to be taking over my body. He can't have this much power over me. 

I wiped all my memories to relieve myself of all this

And here I am. Standing in this chaos of Fred of all people defending me whilst Potter demands that I leave the room. 

"Lily?" My eyes blink as I turn to face a seething Potter. 

"I'm sorry, I should go," I say to Fred as he opens his mouth to object, but I don't pause to listen. I did not just sacrifice everything to have George Weasley ruin it all and I'm also not about to just wait around expecting him to return. He can do what he likes, I don't care at all. 

I spent days, precious time thinking about him and everything that happened in the Burrow, the weird friendship that has formed, every secret and barrier conquered between us, and all of that accounts to nothing apparently because I'm not worth an explanation. 

Maybe he's right. Maybe they're all right. Maybe I am the monster I've always thought myself to be.

Ron Weasley was poisoned. 

He almost died. 

A part of that is my responsibility. 

This happened because of the Dark Lord and everything that's been happening which is dark and horrible and heart breaking is all because of the Dark Lord. I've chosen to support him. Yes, my reasons are different and I'm a Death Eater as a means to an end, but at the same time I'm still supporting the cause that's the root of all this pain and sorrow. It's like I've been in denial this whole time and for the first time it's dawning on me just how much this impacts ordinary people. 

Is it even worth it? Can I really spend the rest of my life pretending to be someone I'm not? The irony is crazy, never did I think I would have these thoughts again. It's something I would complain about when I was stuck in my Argent life without anyone knowing about my Fowler side. Now I'm as honest as I possibly can be with my identity yet I feel like an even bigger fraud. 

My powers aren't exactly making all this easier. Everything is out of control. Every single aspect of my life. It's like I'm in a constantly burning room with no escape. My eyes blink furiously as the fire-y red colour makes me think of his eyes once again. The look of emptiness and a flicker of disappointment. How can one person make me feel like the weight of the world has shifted from my shoulders to my stomach? It's as if I'm being crushed and it's slowly getting harder and harder to breathe. 

I'm being pathetic but I just can't stop. Every time I try, the withdrawal followed by the seconds of ever lasting silence drags me down back into the depths of my self pity and despair. I need a lifeline. I need someone

Usually I would go find Snape, but I can't face him right now. Not after everything that happened in our lesson. I can't believe I would think like that for even a second. How could I possibly for a second consider the fact that it was my father's fault when all he's done is given me a life? Given me the choice that he never had. An opportunity to correct his mistakes. 

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