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49 : GIVE IN ALREADY

I couldn't sleep that night. or the next one..
we hardly talked the other day.
There were just some important things , running errands , things like
Are you done with lunch? did you pack your bag? is this lotion yours? did roop call? don't forget your charger okay?

and the answers to all of them would be yes or no.

"are you guys okay? you seem quieter than usual KV" Aadarsh asked.

"nothing, i'm just tired." KV replied.
"whats your excuse Naina?" Amruta asked.

"what, no nothing. just the somthing, i dont know " what was I even blabbering.

"eh what ? .?" Amruta said.

my face went pale. i don't even remember what I answered.

"Quit teasing guys, we have to leave, its late" KV rushed all of us to our cars, also confirmed it that something was wrong between us.

One of the best thing about KV was that whenever we had a fight or we weren't talking or something, he would never stop caring about me. he wouldn't make it obvious but i could vividly feel his concerns. like keeping in mind if i had proper food, whether my laces are tied (thats not a petty thing. for someone like me who trips 5 times a day, such concerns are very important).

Rudra decided to drive instead of KV, sending him to the back with me.

ugh. all i wanted was to apologize but both of us were so awkward and weird that we couldn't even start with a conversation..

"we're hungry Rudra, get us to the Dhaba soon.. we're starving. Right KV ??" Amruta shrieked sensing the poor connection between us.

"i'm not hungry." Kv said

"me neither" i jumped.

"okay so stay back here. we'll be there in half an hour or so, tell us if you want anything." Rudra asked.

"naah we're good." i answered.

it was a bit cold and beside me, was the hottest guy, and who happen to be my boyfriend so i couldn't help but subconsciously fall asleep on his shoulder grabbing him by his jacket. that basically is the worst way to cope with the kind of situation i was in.

when i woke up, we were almost there, and i found myself clinging to him, and he sleeping on my head. Afraid I might disturb his comfort i went back to sleep.

"Naina, wake up, we're home.. get up" KV whispered.

"yeah okay." i woke up, rubbing my eyes, "where are my glasses KV"

"here." he handed over my glasses to me and we said our final goodbye to the guys and reached home.

His mom welcomed us in the best way possible but she smell the fishy here.

while he was unpacking, i was sitting on the bed, waiting for him to give me any attention which clearly he wasnt. he was too busy arranging his cupboard (which didnt even need any arrangement)

"Till when are we not going to talk KV?" lowering my gaze, fidgeting with my fingers, i whispered, not intending to be heard.

"what did you say?" he asked sitting on the other side of the bed.

"nothinggg.. nuffinn " i pouted.

"Naina..you know i'm not mad at you.. right??" with the softest voice possible, he spoke making it impossible to hug him.

"i know that..of course i know that. its just i really want to talk about that but since i'm born awkward and you got awkward about it, and things got bad. ugh all i wanted to say is I'm extremely sorrrryyy "

"Naina. its not you're fault.. its mine--"

"what no. why do you even say that..you know what.you wont get it.." i sighed and continued fidgeting again. the next minute, Aunty called us for dinner..

"bye."

later after dinner, we were in different rooms and i got a text from him saying

*cant believe you're leaving tomorrow.*

I smiled seeing the text while thinking the perfect response to it but another text showed up -

KV - what was that i wouldn't understand

ME: if you could, i would have told you.

HIM: try me.

ME: i wanted to say that as much as you wanted to kiss me, i wanted to kiss you too..

HIM:  what was that I couldn't understand Naina??

ME:  that, that I'm fucking insecure. I want to kiss you hold you and so much but I know I don't deserve you somehow. Whenever I think of kissing you, I get these flashes of images of the perfect prototype of girls you've  dated in the past, and had sex with.. And.. And dumped, and got dumped. Don't you think it's normal to be insecure ?

I waited for a minute or so but I didn't get a reply. Instead I got a knock at my door..as soon as I opened the door he barged in with bloodshot eyes, a stern demeanor.

"KV--" was all I could say at that moment.

"No don't. Now listen to me.. NAINA I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHITT YOU KNOW.. ITS BEEN MORE THAN A YEAR SINCE I KNOW YOU, AND I DONT  KNOW HOW TO BREAK IT TO YOU THAT I LOVE YOU AND ITS NOT SOME KIND OF SHAM THAT I'M PULLING. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU HOW MUCH I CARE HOW MUCH I THINK WE CAN BE NORMAL, OUR KIND OF NORMAL , ITS NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU NAINA. YOU ALWAYS THINK EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU,  WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP, YOU THINK YOU DONT DESERVE ME, I'VE HAD HOT EXES, YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, such bullshitt coming outta such a brilliant mind Naina.. "

By the time he completed his speech, going from 20000 decibels to nearly 200 , my waterworks started.. I sobbed in the most awkward and the lowest way possible because he literally yelled at me..for the first time. Ever.

"I - I'm exhausted Naina. I'm tired telling you every other day that I love you. For who you are, That you're perfect for me. That I really really love you, And stop being insecure about yourself. I love you for everything you are. Not your perfection not your flaws. I know it Sounds cheesy but be it. If you can't get over this fact then I don't think we should be together anymore"