Positive?!

[34]

Jackson:

Whenever I jumped into the water, I felt completely free. My head was empty in those moments and I didn't have to think about my parents, school, my grades and about Mark and the baby.

I didn't like to admit it but Mark's pregnancy was pressuring me a lot. The half of it would be over in some weeks and that meant things were getting serious. Like, really really serious.

It had already been serious when he had told me about it because that had been the moment since which I was involved his pregnancy and in the life of his child although I had refused it in the beginning.

The older didn't even try involve me because he knew I didn't want to when he told me but I had kinda started to involve myself when I had given him my jacket once in the bathroom of the school.

This incident actually didn't change anything at first but it was the first time I had really seen that he was pregnant and from that moment on, I had felt involved into everything without even realizing it back then.

His visit was about a week ago now and he had been at our house very often. My mom liked him a lot and they had even been shopping together. I had made sure that I hadn't been at home when he had come.

It wasn't like I had problems with seeing the elder boy. It was more because of me and my own feelings about everything which made it hard for me to see him without thinking of his baby.

My mom always wanted to force me to take care of Mark and spend time with him but that wasn't me. It wasn't me to run after the older and carry his bag or follow every of his steps to make sure no one would touch him.

I knew I had to care but I preferred it to start slowly with small gestures. Yesterday I had given him a bag with some of my clothes I didn't wear anymore. They would be big enough to hide his belly.

He had been very surprised about it and I hadn't said anything. I knew he wasn't ready to show his belly yet, not even to me or my mom. Hopefully, he knew that I just tried to help him in my way.

Our kind of relationship was very very complicated. I wasn't even sure if we liked each other so I thought it would be better not to rush anything because we both knew we had to get along.

If I started to act like a super daddy now, Mark wouldn't believe me and think I would just play a role to satisfy my parents and Namjoon. And that's why I would start to care slowly and silently.

After long weeks of fighting with myself I had accepted that I was the biological father of this child. But I wasn't sure if I was really able to take my place in the baby's life and be a dad.

I knew about the responsibility and I knew that I was the one who had to take it together with Mark. We would have to work as a team to create the smallest possibility that the baby would have a good life.

And there was the actual main point why I didn't want to have this baby. We would be teenage parents. Neither of us had any money or experience to raise a child correctly. We would most likely fail.

Every baby deserved a good place to grow up and parents who were able to take care of their child but Mark and I were far from good parents. He loved the baby but only love wasn't enough.

I had looked up what newborn babies needed and there were so many things we would have to pay for. Of course, his and my parents could help but they couldn't pay for everything. That would be too much to ask.

I also worried about my future. Believe it or not, I had really planned to go to college. But now, I wasn't sure I would be able to manage college and being a dad for Mark's currently unborn baby.

A sigh escaped my lips and I swam another round. The pool behind our school was one of the only places where I could be alone. As the co-captain of our swim team I had a key for the gate.

Jaebum, our actual captain, had the other key but he only used it late in the evening and he normally brought Youngjae with him. I had seen them one night and since then, I had never come after 8 p.m. again.

To my luck, I knew that Jaebum definitely wouldn't come here today because he had something else planned. As one of his best friends I knew that he wanted to propose to Youngjae tonight.

I was happy that he had found the one for him but I didn't understand why he would marry at this young age. Another part of me was also jealous that he had been able to make such a huge decision by himself.

He had made a decision for his whole life. And that was something I wasn't able to do. I couldn't make decisions for my life, I simply wasn't grown enough to make such important decisions.

But now, I had to grow up because there were going to be a lot of decisions to make. At the moment there was just one. Would I accept my role as a father? Or would I run away?

—

One of the few chapters in Jackson's pov.

I hope you liked it!

I think about changing my username so it'll be the same on all platforms.

I will think about it and let you know when it happens!

Thank you for reading ❤