The Wife

57: Taking The Mask Off

You moved closer to him. You could see his mask cracking as he desperately tried to get his mouth to say what was setting him off.

"It's okay, Bungee. You can say it. I'm here for you." You cooed as you stroked his cheek with your thumb.

"I..." His voice cracked. "Oh, God... I... I wanted that baby so badly" His eyes began leaking tears, despite how strongly he didn't want to upset you.

"That's okay, Bungee. You can say that." You hugged him, sitting on his lap.

"I didn't even know about it and it felt like my heart was torn out when I saw you. I didn't get to know them at all, and yet I feel like I lost something irreplaceable." He buried his face into your shoulder. "It wasn't I who lost the baby. I didn't have to experience any of that. And I feel so guilty that I'm so upset about it! I didn't deserve to get another baby, the way I treated you! And I'm angry! I'm angry that they're gone! Angry at myself for not being there with you!"

His whole body shook and he held you so tightly.

"I feel like such a loser. Such an idiot! So profoundly unworthy that I want to kill myself! And then I feel guilty about that! I would be leaving you and our children alone! It's so selfish, but I can't stop feeling this way!" He cried out as you tried to comfort him.

"Oh, my husband, my love. You have every right to miss the baby. You are more than welcome to feel angry! But there isn't anyone to blame. These things happen. No one did anything wrong. You're the love of my life. Bungee. I want you to be here. We couldn't go on without you in our lives. You're so very important." You laid your head on his. "And you aren't alone in feeling this way. I didn't want the baby and I feel so guilty about it. I didn't want it and now it's gone but I can't feel happy about it. Guilty if I was happy, guilty that I'm not. Everything is so confusing, but we have to keep going. And for now, that means continuing to take care of the babies we do have and love them as best as we can, as a couple."

Silence ensued as Hisoka collected himself. Of course he always felt better when he got all of his feelings out of his mind, but it didn't make the thoughts go away. That would take time. More time than he wanted, but it wasn't up to him.

"I don't want to draw with Akio. I really don't like to draw." He sighed, still holding you tightly.

"Yes and I don't like to play peekaboo with Chouko for three hours straight, but we do because we love them." You laughed at yourself, giving Hisoka the chance to smile just a bit.

"Fine, fine. But perhaps you could promise me something?" Hisoka began to ask.

"Yes, Bungee?"

"Could you send the children to Abaki's tomorrow night for a sleep over? I would love to have some Bungee and Yumi time.~" You could hear the life coming back into his voice and with enthusiasm, you nodded.