Swan Lake || Luke Hemmings AU

4. Straightforward Truth

(c) - Isobel (@BellaVanella)

* not much in this chapter. Just a bit more about Jane's life :)

I am depressed, or I was. I was depressed and I was bulimic. That's the very reason why I'm in this camp. I started starving myself when I was 11. I remember people calling me fat and ugly. I wanted to look good so I lessened my food consumption and if I happen to eat a lot, I throw up. At the age of 14, I started cutting. The world is a harsh and judgemental places. The voices in your head would repeat what you hear and you would feel so alone.

I thought that what I was doing was okay, so it went on till my senior year in High School. Throughout the years, I've been doing the same routine in my room. Cut, starve, eat, vomit, repeat.

One night, I got a little too carried away. My Mom was cooking dinner so I decided that few slits wouldn't hurt. I cut, but it was a little too deep. I didn't bother stop, it was too late. Every release was both pain and pleasure. Everything around me blurred. I smiled at myself as darkness took over me.

The next thing I knew, I was in a hospital. My parents were at the side crying and there was a Doctor talking to them. When my mom saw me awake, she started sobbing hysterically and she kept asking me why I hurt myself. I didn't bother answer. She wouldn't care. No one does.

The Doctor then recommended rehabilitation. Immediately, they sent me to rehabilitation after I took my finals. I stayed there for a month. I even skipped prom and graduation, missing the chance to give my valedictory speech. It didn't matter. No one cared about what I had to say.

In rehab, that's when I met Dr. DeWinnes, my shrink. It took her time to make me open up. On the first session, I didn't look at her. I didn't even bother say anything whenever she asked me a question. I was expecting her to give up on me, but she didn't.

Many sessions later, she finally got me to speak. How? She read me a poem. Mom must've told her that I had a thing for literature. It was my favorite thing in the world. I remember the exact words of her poem.

"Her heart is played

like well worn strings;

in her eyes

the sadness sings;

of one who was destined,

for better things."

She read me a Lang Leav poem and the next thing I knew, I was crying and she was comforting me. She told me that everything will be alright. All I needed to do was ask for help, and that's what I did.

Dr. DeWinnes gladly took me in. She checked up on me regularly and I finally had the courage to tell her everything that made me the way I am. In every session, she read me a poem. It ranged from Lord Alfred Tennyson, Michael Faudet to Lang Leav and I loved every poem she read. After that, she would ask me questions and I would answer.

She told me to eat, and she told me to brave and have faith. I did as told and as each day passed, I felt myself get better and better. I started to hate myself less. Dr. DeWinnes told my parents about my progress and my parents were relieved that I was okay.

After a month, during my last session before my dismissal, Dr. DeWinnes gave me a journal. She told me that I needed to let it all out. Talk to someone, so the journal was given for me to write anything.

I thought of writing poems but I wasn't exactly a Lang Leav or a CD Wright, so I looked around Dr. DeWinnes' office. A vintage poster of Breakfast at Tiffany's caught my eye. It was a movie starring my all-time idol, Audrey Hepburn. She was a very inspirational person and she has this quote that I really love. It goes like:

"For the beautiful eyes, look for the good in others;

for the beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness;

and for poise, walk with knowledge that you are never alone."

- Audrey Hepburn

I decided to write letters addressed to Audrey Hepburn in the journal, so in that way it would feel like I'm talking to her because she's someone I really look up to. I told Dr. DeWinnes about this and well, she just allowed me since it made me feel better to write letters to Audrey Hepburn.

Dr. DeWinnes also told me that I was fine. All will be well if I just speak up, and I did feel well. I started eating normally, the scars on my wrists look nothing but marks. I didn't hate myself but I wasn't in-love with myself either, yet I was fine. For the first time in a long time, I was genuinely okay.

My parents, though, still weren't satisfied with the result so they asked Dr. DeWinnes for other programs, and that's when Dr. DeWinnes recommended this camp for post-rehabilitation patirents in the Western part of Sydney, Australia. One week after my rehab dismissal, my parents shipped me off.

Now here I am, in a group session, with people just like me. All survivors of their own dark side, ready to share their uphill battle experiences.

I was ready, but I didn't want to share my story. I just feel like it's for me and me only, but whatever. It's time for the world to know the truth.

// So there's no Luke in this part. It's just filler on what Jane was like and how she ended up in the place :) don't worry though, Luke will be coming soon!