(c) - isobel (@bellavanella)
"Jane," Elle called out. "I'm going to get some lunch with Michael. Do you want to come?" I shook my head and grabbed my journal under the mattress. Elle looked at me warily. "Are you sure?" she asked. "You haven't eaten much since yesterday."
"I'm fine," I told her blankly. "You have to eat something," Elle sighed. "A sandwich, some cookies, milk, whatever..." Elle began rambling about how I should eat, so I just rolled my eyes and glared at her.
"I said I'm fine, Elle!" I snapped. Elle looked startled and I immediately regret the tone of my voice. Elle sighed and nodded. "Alright," she smiled slightly. "I'll leave your thoughts to yourself then."
Elle walked out of the cabin. I wanted to go after her and apologize, but my mind was telling me not to. Elle was being a good sport about this. Me pushing her away because of George, but she managed to stay strong.
I envy Elle for her strength. She manages to keep her head up high even though we're going through crap right now. I sighed and opened my journal, flicking through till I found a blank page.
August 11, Tuesday
Dear Audrey Hepburn,
It's been 26 hours since George's memorial. I don't know what to do. I think I've been grieving too much. My friends are probably--
I shook my head and tore the page out of my journal. It was a terrible entry. I'm going to try again. My journal entry needs to be precise.
Dear Audrey Hepburn,
George passed away 2 days ago. My heart broke the moment Olivia shared the news via phone. I felt so numb. I---
I tore the page again. The words didn't seem to align with what I felt. I needed to find the right words to write. It just seemed so wrong and it had to be precise for me.
Dear Audrey Hepburn,
It all started in a bus ride to this damn camp. I met a certain blonde American, much like me except the blonde part, named George Johnson. George Johnson was someone I'd never expect--
I huffed out loud and ripped the page again. The words weren't in my favor. I slammed the journal and threw it onto the floor. I groaned and buried my face onto my pillow, just wanting to shut myself away from the world.
"Before I fell in-love with words," I suddenly heard Luke's voice in my head, reciting Lang Leav's poem. "With setting skies, and singing birds. It was you I fell in-love with first."
I got up and shook those thoughts away. I grabbed the journal from the floor and stepped out of the cabin. I made my way towards the lakeside, ignoring the sympathetic stares people gave me as I made my way.
I glared at the journal, which lead me nowhere, as of the moment. I let out a frustrated scream and threw it onto the lake. That crappy good for nothing notebook, I thought. You are nothing, but plain bull.
Out of the blue, my stomach grumbled. I rolled my eyes and walked away from the cabin, ignoring my soon-to-drown useless journal. I didn't want to go back to the cabin, so I went to the infirmary.
"Jane," Olivia smiled slightly when she saw me. "Is everything alright? How are you coping up?" I shrugged. "Some days were better," I told her. "How are you?"
Olivia sighed. "I feel the same," she said. "I miss George; having you, him and Elle hang out here. It's really quiet." I nodded. "I miss him too," I told her. "Nothing seems to go right anymore."
"It's because you're grieving, Jane," she smiled slightly. "There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't define you." I looked at her.
"I really hate life right now," I spoke out. "I guess it's starting to make sense why George did what he did. Life just really sucks and when the time comes, you die."
"Don't be so pessimistic about it," Olivia said. "Someday, you're going to get up and keep moving forward. Believe me when I say this, you're going to be happy and somebody will love you for who you are. I promise."
I shook my head. "I don't, Olivia," I told her. "Maybe I'm a hopeless case. No one ever made me feel the way George did. He made feel alive, that everything was going to be okay. Now that he's gone, I don't know anymore."
"What about Luke?" Olivia said and my expression darkened. "I thought you guys were getting back together. That's how we understood it in the hospital, seeing you both so loved up."
I rolled my eyes. "The guy couldn't keep his damn hormones in control," I told her. "So no, I don't think that we have and we'll ever get back together. I can't even stand to be in the same room with him."
Olivia opened her mouth ready to say something but she closed it again. I sighed and gave her a sad smile. I know I was difficult to talk to, and it was hard to deal with me. I feel bad for the people who go through my crap. They don't deserve to be treated like this.
"I'll go now," I told her. "I want to be alone." I started to walk out when Olivia called me. "Jane," she said. I turned to look at her. She smiled slightly.
"If you want to talk," she said. "Just know that I'm here. You can't just bury all your grief and anger and sadness inside. If you need help, please ask us. Don't push us away."
That caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting that, especially from Olivia. I didn't know what to do so I just nodded and walked out of the room.
I went back to the cabin, relieved that it was empty. I locked it up and sat against the door. I closed my eyes and contemplated. I wasn't crying anymore. I ran out of tears to cry.
Don't push us away, Olivia's voice echoed in my head. I didn't want to push them away. They didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve them either. I was a selfish girl who only cared about herself; Susan was right.
I decided then that I would make the other people's lives better. They could live in a place where it would be free of my burden. They won't have to go through crap because of me. They can be happy and carefree.
They didn't need me. I was a hopeless case.
// to those who don't get it ('cause i'm crappy), here's an easy summary:
* it's a day since george's memorial, everyone is grieving
* jane is pushing people away because she wants to be alone
* she feels like she lost her writing momentum so she throws her journal in the lake
* she goes to olivia and olivia advises her not to push people away and she should get help if she needs
* jane feels like she's a burden so she feels that everyone would be better without her
* she thinks she's a hopeless case
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